The Strange and The Insane

Notice of moving

2009-12-13T21:16:00.002+11:00

Today I did it - I finalised my decision to be found at wordpress. Those with google accounts or blogger accounts, I apologise for the inconvenience this might cause and ask sincerely for you to not quit following me, even though I have now moved. I'd miss you!

Besides, wordpress has the wonderful e-mail notifications feature, if you sign up under the stalkers-panel. n_n'

Clicky here to get to the new plaec, and thanks for bearing with me!

Procrastination appreciation station

2009-12-10T22:24:00.003+11:00

Today, I am going to talk about procrastination.

*sigh*

Yes, that horrible demon (extremely funny joke, you'll find out later why) that takes the time and motivation out of, well, everyone who has to do, er, basically anything at all at a certain timeframe - and sometimes when it just has to be done (and one knows that it has to be done, because otherwise it can't be really called procrastination, but "having a good time").

Isn't it ironic that I'm talking about procrastination while I should be writing my novel, so in a manner, I'm procrastinating?

Besides, I don't really know what I should say about procrastination, other than that it sucks and stuff gets too interesting and attractive so that I haven't been writing my novel for two days - just been thinking about it. And I know, I know, this talk about how I haven't been writing and I should motivate myself to writing and that I'm scared I'll never carry through probably annoys you by now, because that's basically all I talk -- and think -- about currently.

Didn't stop me from killing lots of demons (see, see, here comes the joke) on Devil May Cry 4, which, if I may flaunt, has brilliant graphics due to that graphics card father bought me. Therefore, next ensues the drooling over videogames paragraph. Or two. Let us see...

Somehow, even though I've been banging at it (hee-hee) for some while now, I still suck. A lot. Especially when you have to stop playing Nero (link opens to a picture of him - a picture that is totally misleading [and kind of a spoiler, but not really], because that's him in his devil trigger mode and he's really not that cool, pretty much on the contrary, as he's a whiny bitch) and take up playing as Dante (so, shameless fangirl here, but DAMN HE'S AWESOME), because ok, so Dante is awesome and has been around for a while, therefore is faster and stronger and other forms of more awesome than Nero, but Nero has this convenient grabby arm that I basically use to fly around, grabbing enemies and merrily slamming them into the ground before they know what hit them - and when they do, off I go again. Dante has nothing like that, so suddenly, I find myself under attack from a LOT of places. Especially those Alto and Bianco Angelos (yep, pic again, and both of them are enemy types in the game - and Altos are a lot cooler than the Biancos, but also more difficult to kill) with their damned LANCES and SHIELDS and with Nero, you could get behind them as easy as any, but Dante has to just keep thrusting stuff against their shields and hope they don't KEEL MEEEEE~

... Ok, so maybe there's a strategy somewhere, I should try using Trickster mode to move faster than they do, but MY REACTION TIME IS NOT THAT FAST. Besides, getting behind an enemy is kind of difficult because half of the time, you have nooo idea whatsoever where you're going, because the game's meant for Play Station 3, and for the easier camera controls of that thing. When I play, I already have one hand occupied with keeping me moving, and the other trying to hit everything that moves, so I'd need a third hand to rotate the camera when it, in unpredictable (and usually really inconvenient) places and instances jumps into another angle entirely. And then there's just plain stupidity - like the first level you play with Dante, they actually throw you, before you even properly know how to CONTROL the character, into the midst of a pack of (ok, lesser, but WHO CARES IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT MATTERS) demons, with the camera pointing straight at Dante. And the wall behind Dante.

Er, hello, how does seeing the character I am controlling (except for witnessing the fact that he's gorgeous and how happy I am for controlling him [oooh Dante, I could control you all day long] instead of that whiny bitch with an incredibly cool arm) help me any?!

Cough.

So, that was my fangasm of the day. I might continue going on about the Studio Ghibli movies (by Hayao Miyazaki) I've seen today, including Princess Mononoke, The Cat Returns and Totoro, but I think your brains might melt if it went to that...

As a conclusion, I've done nothing productive today and I may be losing my grip of reality, but hell, I've had a lot of fun. *grins merrily*

Oh, and as an afternote, I'm considering moving to Wordpress - I'm not entirely sure yet, but keep on the lookout for news about that. I'd obviously link you all to there, but yeah~

Cheerleading self

2009-12-07T15:18:00.003+11:00

So, I haven't posted since my drooling of Scrivener (I got the license for it, btw, now me and it are inseparable FOREVER), and this is mainly because nothing much has happened. It seems that it's always like this on holidays - I don't have much to do (except homework, but I'm still ignoring that one, too), and therefore I do absolutely nothing, not even the stuff I am supposed to do!

At this stage, the stuff that I'm supposed to do consists of doing my homework (the most important and concerning parts are reading the books for English and Literature [two separate subjects, I am insane, I know] and generally practicing French, something that I really need to pick up on for next year) and finishing my novel. Well, since the end of NaNoWriMo, which means December, I have written some 16,000 words (as people who are stalking the progress bar - if there are any - must know; and this places my novel just about at 175,000 words) for the latter goal - an amount of words which I, ridiculously enough, consider insufficient. I mean, I wrote 50,000 words in 8 days in November, and now it's already been 7 days, and I'm not even HALF-WAY to the SAME GOAL?!

The more concerning bit is that I seem to be losing interest/inspiration in writing my story at all. It all feels so repetitive (well, it's bound to, this is chapter 26 of 44 I'm talking about), because my fellowship always thinks of the same things and always pauses and cowers (which I'm getting them over with, but seriously, ugh) every time something new happens. Hell-o, my dear fellowship, you're in a dimension where there's magic and wonderful things and sure, everything doesn't always make sense, but do you have to be such a bunch of whiny bitches?!

Yes, I am blaming my characters for it!

... But seriously, I'll have to get down to doing something, if I really want to finish this novel at any point. I've seen the symptoms I'm experiencing before, and if I honestly don't lift my head up and press forward regardless of the fact that I kind of don't want to, I won't reach a part in the novel I will like to write, and therefore I'll just end up leaving it there, and once I get back to it after a month or two, I will have lost the touch of the novel and going back to the part will be increasingly difficult. I've come this far! I can't stop now!

Besides, father ordered the NaNoWriMo '09 t-shirt and the winner t-shirt for me, now I'll really have to win, or I'll be too ashamed to wear the damn things (once they arrive)!

GO ME!

Drooling over software

2009-12-03T17:53:00.003+11:00

While I am waiting for my father to come back home to lend me his credit card (that's something I really wait for in turning 18 - getting my own credit card and being able to shop online, woo) in order to buy a total license for Scrivener, I will--

Well, I was going to talk about something other (but still writing-related) first, after stating why I am writing about it, but then I thought that after my shameless product replacement (and announcing the fact that I use a mac - and love brackets), I should at least talk about this piece of software that has changed my life.

Don't get me wrong - I still don't understand nothing about computers, and I'm still of the opinion that even though I don't know exactly what's going on with it, I can use it moderately well (except when it crashes; that's when I go to my father). This, and the fact that I sure understand Scrivener (though there still are some features I'll have to work out later, but meh) gives me fairly good grounds to talk about it.

Let's just say that Scrivener has made my life so, so much easier. Since I'm still learning the whole plot outlining thing, having started only, oh, three ideas for novels before, and that was a very primitive write-on-post-it-what-will-happen-next-so-you-will-not-forget, accompanied by some character profiles and so. The next novel I started, when the previous one grew dull, had a more sophisticated system that was thought through more, and that constituted on writing short descriptions of what will happen into my notebook, and that, too, was how Following the Gay Umbrella (the third novel, after I had abandoned the second one in lack of interest) began.

And that was the problem. Do you know how hard it is to look for a specific note you have made in one of your either word documents when plotting and wanting to remember some plot thread or crucial idea, only to forget that it exists later, and then to remember, and wonder what it was and where you put it? If you know, I'm totally with you, and if you don't, you should really be reading something else -- no, no, don't go, I was kidding!

*coughs*

Anyway, what I'm trying to say that combined with Scrivener's general idea of being a binder, something you can stick all your beloved ideas and plot threads and character profiles and outlines and other random bits and pieces without having to lose them somewhere in the folder you created into the folder you created for the characters, which was in a folder you created for the first chapter of your novel, which was in the folder for the first draft in the folder for your novel. The beauty of Scrivener is that you can still create all these folders (if you are as turned on by folders as me, ha-ha-ha-harrumph), but you can still see all their innards in one glance.

And even if you lose some specific bit or piece of information, you can still look for it - there is a marvelous search function that saved me from probably hours of skimming through my novel, trying to find this specific paragraph that would tell me just how many moons Crazyland has (three, if anyone was interested).

I could ramble on about Scrivener's superiority to your mum (sorry, too much Zero Punctuation for me) for ages and ages on, but basically all I'm trying to say is this: if you're as fond as me to see everything you're doing (and if you forget that it's there if you can't see it, like I do), but if you're simultaneously as addicted to neat organisation as my mum (really, this needs to stop), Scrivener is for you.

... Except, of course, if you have the misfortune to use a pc.

Oh, and did I mention that it looks perfectly streamlined and fabulous and I am going to send invitations for our wedding soon?

One foot after the other

2009-12-02T20:59:00.004+11:00

Dear ladies and gentlemen,

This ----->

is me

(and a picture shamelessly stolen off the internet, but shh)

For three days in a row.

... So ok, maybe I'm not running as fast as I can, but at a seriously slow speed that allows me to BREATHE properly, but at least I'm doing it, and while I still don't feel like doing it, I'M STILL DOING IT.

Running, that is (if the illustration wasn't enough for you, you blind person -- then again, the guy might be just standing on one foot, how do we know). Of course, my left leg is getting a blister on its underside because it doesn't like my runner, and my toes are beginning to hurt (as I begin to suspect that my runners are a littttle too small for me, but that won't be an issue until my toes fall off, so MEH), and when I'm not running, I hobble around looking really comical because of the hurt I experience in my muscles, but I'm running, goshdarnit (yeah, I'm trying to get out of my habit of swearing and saying "goddamnit")!

Why and how do I do it?

Well, remember how I said, like, two posts ago that I had started running again because I had no reason not to? Same story this time. I used to do synchronized skating, and I used to basically be fit as a, well, I can't come up with any proper anecdote right now, but you get the picture! Now, I don't actually do any sports at all, and it's a shame, because I have the knowledge and tools to make my core strength and fitness basically pretty decent -- all I am lacking is a reason to do it, and determination, because just because you've done a sport before doesn't mean that you necessarily like ALL sport.

I hate exercising.

But I'm still running, because it takes only about 40 minutes of my day, and I do nothing much else with my days, and I'm a healthy (except for my breathing problems, but that might just be something else, so I'll just ignore them) young woman who is in her prime - so I should be fit. It's a fact of life.

Before you ask, yes, this is basically how I motivate myself into doing things, by guilt-tripping myself into believing that there is no other way than to just stop whining and put the effort in, and though it may not be that nice, at least it works.

For now.

I'm just waiting for the loss of determination with fear...

Still going on about novels, hide

2009-12-02T15:58:00.008+11:00

Now that I have written some thousands of words today, I am feeling slightly better about this whole noveling business today - one of the reasons being that yes, I have a counter again, and I have a forum other than NaNoWriMo to share the pain of creation in:

National Novel Finishing Month, NaNoFiMo!

Well, sure, it ain't as pretty as the real NaNoWriMo site, but currently, I just can't stand seeing people who are celebrating the ends of their novels when I has as much as (yes, I calculated with my calculator of doom, again - somehow it's a lot more calming to see the numbers you need to achieve than just the general feeling of OH ME GAWD I HAFTA WRITE SOME MORE) 137,000 words to write in order to, approximately, finish this novel.

... And, since I am a dork like that (and I found a better template on the site I posted the last counter from), I made a new counter to reflect this goal. I made the counter based on the fact that the frozen wordcount for November on the NaNoWriMo site is 158,388 (so this number of words is excluded from the counter), and then, according to the average count of words for a chapter, calculated (and rounded up) the total number of words my novel will be (based on current statistics, of course), and thus calculated, by simple subtraction, the words I will need to write to achieve this goal. Here you can see the not-very-visually awesome counter:

Oh, and before I keep on going about my novel, I will link you and go on about this magnificent candyblog I found last night, just because I spent most of the night (instead of writing my novel, I know), making lasting physical and mental damage to my pillow by drooling all over it, and I think damage like that is just worth sharing.

Since I have not much more to add to this, and since I've been so very bad with the whole telling-about-my-novel-but-not-actually-allowing-anyone-to-see-the-story thing, I will post some more excerpts for the, well, benefit of my, er, few readers. ... Yeahh. By the way, I didn't mean it to happen in that way, but the boys obviously disagreed with me...!

“Nicholas?” asked a familiar male voice in a very unfamiliar way, woven with concern (that was uncertain, as if not used for very long, as if discarded or put on hold somewhere, to have it appear rusty when drawn out next time). The black-haired boy opened his eyes again, not having noticed that he had closed them - and then startled, seeing as Sebastian had somehow moved very close and pulled him away from the rest of the fellowship, still working their own, curling and coiling anger, helplessness and non-understanding from the lump of emotions that worked their ways into the surface in the oddest, most out-of-place times (which served to agitate the fellowship further; the knowledge that they shouldn’t be doing this now and here), and also away from now two very confused cherubs, holding their private counsel somewhere else, not very respectful or understanding toward the fellowship they were glancing toward every now and then. Nicholas was also aware of the fact that Sebastian was very close, and his usually icy eyes were not almost unreadable.

“You’ve figured something,” the blonde boy said, and it wasn’t a question, even though his unreadable look did take a questioning tint to it, and a fleeting smile curled at the blonde boy’s mouth with a tilt of his head. “Out with it, then,” the boy continued, “Let us hear it!”

Nicholas, having calmed down from his earlier burst of enlightenment and understanding and annoyance due to events, was only mildly irritated by the request - and that was merely because he was left speechless, with a hot and prickly feeling threatening to spill salty liquid from his eyes, his mouth gaping open and his breath leaving him in a rush of gratitude. He closed his mouth, blinked slowly to will away the tears and breathed shakily in, out, then wet his lips with a swipe of his tongue and only then braved a glance toward Sebastian’s uncharacteristically warm gaze, something that suggested that while Sebastian was callous and — oh, Nicholas could not deal with this, it was like from a bad novel or something, honestly, so predictable and he had to swipe a hand over his eyes just to keep himself in check and not embarrassing himself in front of a friend that had been jokingly flirting — Nicholas, just, be quiet, he told himself firmly.

It's OVER?!

2009-12-01T23:22:00.006+11:00

NaNoWriMo 2009 for the region of Melbourne, Australia closed some 24 hours ago - and I am a WINNER!

*gasps of shock can be heard from the audience*

Er, so I finished with a grand total of 158,388 words in 30 days - not too bad, if I say so myself, even if it is some 40,000 words off from my initial goal of 200,000 in a month. Then again, I forgive myself this trespass, since it was my first year of NaNoWriMo after all, and failing slightly in the first year is perfectly acceptable!

Aw, don't look at me angrily like that, I know I did great - but I also know that I didn't finish my novel and I could have pushed myself a lot more. I am happy for having been able to write that much in so little time, but I'm also trying not to be too relieved for NaNo being over - if I allow myself to relax now, it might be that I'll never finish this novel, either! Oh noes!

Therefore, I'm saving the great partying for later - for when my novel's first draft is finally done - something I aim for before Christmas. I can do this, if only I have motivation enough...

The thing is, that things other than writing are slowly seeping back into my life. My exams and my school year for this year are officially over, however, on my table right there, there is this pile of books for English and Literature, sitting, staring, taunting me silently - in a way that made me so upset today that I abruptly picked them up and shoved them into the closet. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

Except for the fact that my obligations for the holidays aren't really out of mind. The sad fact is that I do need to read that pile of books, and the sour, additional comment to that is that they're mostly books I'd never pick up on my own and really won't enjoy reading. Hooray for summer holidays, sigh - not to talk about the pile of other homework I have, because that'd just depress me too much!

Oh, and here is a progress bar for the estimated total length of my novel, and how I'm doing with this (and yes, generally I'm posting this here just because the close of the word progress bar on NaNoWriMo made me slightly sad and panicky, since I can't see my word count climbing - at least now I can see somehow how I'm doing, and it currently doesn't look too promising)! Exclamation mark!

EDITED 2. 12. 09.

Deleted progress bar in favor of the one in the post above.

Er. Well, I guess that's all I had for now. Geez, my life is boring...

p.s. From now on, since this ain't NaNoWriMo anymore, I'll be using the tag "FTGU" (if you do not know what this is an abbreviation for, you REALLY need to read more of this blog) rather than the NaNoWriMo one.

EDIT: Well, I did have to edit to add that I have taken up running! And baking, as it seems, from what I did this morning - nevertheless, I am sore but I am happy, and I have made it my job, during these holidays, to get fit again, because I know I have the capacity to, since I used to be a really good ice skater (ha-ha-ha) and everything. However, I've only been running for two days now, so one never knows how long this determination lasts, really, but I'm hoping I might carry this through, eh?

And on another note, Christmas shopping really scares me a lot more than the fact that I'll be in my last year of high school next year. Holeeeee, when did I get so many friends? D:

Oh, and another additional note: yes, the bar of progress I posted is actually something for scrapbook layouts or some other crap I didn't understand (I've never tried scrapbooking and some people would agree that what ever keeps me away from scissors is a good thing), but it seems to work for a wordcount mighty fine - except for the annoying talk about layouts, or something. Ignore that, and look at the bar instead!

How puppeteers feel

2009-11-29T16:36:00.004+11:00

So, NaNoWriMo finishes tomorrow at midnight

and I am very, very sick of writing.

Well, not writing, per se, but I'm more than exhausted about trying to keep all the ribbons of my story in my head - trying to think how to present information in such a way that I can keep interest without revealing too much, how to keep things realistic but still fast-moving to keep the plot going--

I'm tired! I need a vacation, or some sort of a reward or something to make it all worthwhile. Right now it's just... writing for the sake of making myself really tired. Besides, I've won thrice already - I'm almost exactly at the point of 150K.

Math-geekery ahead: faint-brained stay away

2009-11-19T15:51:00.004+11:00

Disclaimer: I am not trying to offend anyone with the title of this post, I just found it amusing and everybody knows my sense of humour is appalling. Please don't throw anything harder than pillows at me.

I've just realised that my blog is a fuzzy mess of anything that might cross my mind every now and again. Ha, every time I look through blog listings or someone asking for advice in starting a blog, I find people saying that they should pick some theme for their blog and post only stuff related to that, since otherwise people from different interests groups might be hard to attract by saying "well, it's about me" (which makes a whole lot more sense than I would like to admit).

But, damnit, I do so many things out of the book and I see so many things out of the box, so why should I now begin giving a damn about what other people say? Besides, I only have a handful of people reading this blog (maybe because I don't advertise it correctly - maybe because of the reasons listed above, meh), and they seem to be happy with what I have to offer (thanks, you guys! I like brackets!).

After doing that fretting for the day, I'm going to announce that yesterday, I was as productive as ever. In this case, that means that I have breached the 100,000 word line, which also means that I have now won NaNoWriMo twice. In one single day, being yesterday, I wrote three chapters, and today would have to write the same amount of chapters to catch up with my goal of at-least-a-chapter-per-day.

Some statistics from the month up to this point:

Total number of words: 107,179

Total number of chapters: 16

Average number of words in one chapter: 6,657.25

Highest number of words per chapter: 14,360 (chapter 10, that killer)

Lowest number of words per chapter: 2,907 (chapter 15)

Average number of words written per day: 5,641

Highest number of words written per day: 16,422 (yesterday, according to the NaNo stats for my word count on the site)

Lowest number of words written per day: 383 (on the fifth of November)

I think those are stats enough to record my progress for now. Oh, but then again, I find myself, too, interested in the approximate estimation of the length of my novel and how much of it I have done now and how much of it will most likely be done at the end of November - and how long will it take me to finish it.

Well, seeing as my novel will have 44 chapters of which 16 are now done, and the average word count per chapter is 6,657.25, that means I have 106,516 words for sixteen chapters over 292,919 for 44 (shhhhit, that will take some serious editing to make readable-sized) done, as an estimation, which would make... a depressing 36.4% done.

Now, this is when my math head starts closing up (and I must tell you, with great satisfaction, that I received my math exam back with a shiny 80% labelled on it - a whole 10% better than my midyear, I seriously need to throw a party or something). What do I need to do to calculate how long would it take for me to write the remaining 63.6%? Oh, I guess I could do it that way (and math-nerds, please correct my calculations if they're incorrect):

If the estimation for the novel length is 292,919 words, and I have written 106,519 of that, which means I still have at least a remaining 185,672 words to write (which is, just as a quick check, 63.5% as referred back to the original estimation - close enough). If I continue to write at a rate of 5,641 words per day, it will take me a rounded 33 days more to finish this novel. In order to finish this novel for/during November 30th, I would have to write at a mind-boggling rate of 16,879 words (as rounded) a day - something that just will not happen!

I am interested and simultaneously annoyed about these statistics, sure, it's fun to know how you're doing, but somehow depressingly so, when the statistics tell you so directly and irrevocably that you're not even at the mid-point - not even close. And I've written so bloody much! Someone (my characters, most likely) will suffer for this!

It's their fault, anyway, for giving me such a long story to write. *grumbles*

Based on these statistics, any techno-handy kid want to build a cute little application to show me my progress on a flowchart, just to make me feel better? Anyone? Yoo-hoo? ... I swear, sometimes it feels like I'm sitting in an empty waiting room with a guard rolling his eyes at me for babbling loudly to myself. *snerk*

Annnyway, going to stop procrastinating and making love to my calculator in favour of toddling off to the kitchen and procrastinating by making myself a cup of coffee, taking some headache-meds (you know, I don't especially enjoy NUMBERS, I just like KNOWING) and chasing the numbers out from my brain with a rake (if needed).

Sorry for the wall of text~

Concerts, schmoncerts

2009-11-17T22:59:00.003+11:00

So. Last night I was in a very unplanned Nickelback concert.

You know, I've been thinking of clever beginnings to this post for the whole day (during which, as a matter of fact, I did nothing at all on the account of being sick and giving myself a deserved day off, the lazy bitch I am), and I found out that there's just no clever way to state that you've been in a Nickelback concert - nor to express the fact that it was completely unpremeditated and that you happened to be there because a friend knew someone who worked somewhere and they had a ticket for you and your little sister who happens to adore Nickelback.

What could I do, I was stuck as a chaperone in a rock concert.

I feel very old for saying that.

It's not that I outright dislike Nickelback - no, in fact, most of their songs are quite catchy and pleasing to my ear. And that's all. They're pleasing, and I wouldn't cringe if they were on the radio on those few and select trips I do not hook my 'pod (product replacement, much) to the car speakers and play some of the stuff I actually DO like to listen to (somehow I just don't like the television or the radio - even if they play something you like, they will riddle it with the commercials you do not want to hear), but I wouldn't actually listen to them. Now, this is just my uninformed, very unmusical opinion (because I never studied music, shock-horror), but they get quite repetitive.

And somehow I just dislike a lead singer of a band telling me to go have a drink and smoke a joint and then proceed to scream songs at me about having sex. I am quite capable of keeping stuff like that in my own imagination, thank you very much for being so very OBVIOUS about it! ... Besides, I am here to watch you, and while you thank me, you proceed to tell me to stand up and rock out, even though I'm a patron and I shouldn't be making any effort to---

Oh dear, I do sound like I'm in my mid-somethings, doesn't it (I'm not having a go at middle-agers personally, they are a lovely bunch and can possibly/most likely have more fun than I). And I'm not even old enough to legally consume alcoholic beverages.

By the way, and as you may see from the style I'm writing in, I'm actually feeling a whole lot better than I've been for the past days/weeks. I guess I either stopped worrying or caring, or something. I'd put my money on the latter.

... So don't sound less depressed than before. Oh welll~

Gnrrrrlbghdays

2009-11-15T14:07:00.005+11:00

Good morning, ladies and gents, and in an effort of trying to finally wake myself up at 14:07 on a sunday morning, I'm going to try to update my blog.

So, I did finish chapter 10, the one that was causing me so much heartache and annoyance and so on and so forth. I still think that it was a pointless waffle of a grand total of 13,000 words - all of which I could almost cut out of the novel, and have no less of a story. Oh well, it all counts for a wordcount, and after chapter 10, there is chapter 11, and further chapters. I did write chapter 11, too, in a stretch of will - and now am currently stuck at chapter 12. Seriously, is this going to be like this for the rest of the month? The beginning of the month was so easy, so painless - and now everything's just weighing me down. Like today, I have nothing else to do but to write and go to work at six, and I've been awake for some, mmm, maybe three hours, and I've written a grand total of some hundreds of words.

You see, on the best of days, I can write more than 2K in an hour. Right now, my head feels like... Well, you can read from this detached rambling what it feels like. I can't get a hold of my words, since they're somehow out of reach, as if someone amputated the writing part of my brain when I was sleeping. I hate being such a nocturnal creature - I function in the mornings, though only enough to eat breakfast and not kill everyone around me from tiredness, and after those first hours of being awake, I basically shut down until it's 20:00 pm.

[insert descriptive cursing and ripping out hair and destroying curtains or the like here]

Why does it seem like I only have things to complain about? Well, it's maybe because currently, I'm a grand total of 25,000 words away from the quota of reaching my goal at the end of the month, and I STILL have 43 chapters in the total novel and am struggling through number 12. So even if I somehow manage to finish 12 today, I'll have 31 to go.

And my cellphone is dying.

O IT IS FUTILE

... Here, have an excerpt.

“Oh, Logic help me!” he cried, his pen now motionless on the paper, his alarmed eyes now dropping toward this motionless pen, “I have stopped writing, I have stopped writing, oh, the words are not coming to me and life has no meaning, as the words— Oh, oh, I will have to kill myself, there is no reason to live, no reason at all, without words there is no meaning—” And so the ramble went on, the scholar’s eyes darting from his paper to his pen to each member of the fellowship, consecutively, to Logic’s realm’s archway (confirming Nicholas’ earlier assumptions), and back to his paper again. The fellowship, not having expected such an abrupt outrage over something that seemed so very little to them, was in a communal state of shock, not knowing what to do about this frozen-in-place though frantic scholar, now threatening to kill himself in ways that the fellowship’s poor ears should not be subjected to.

More complaining

2009-11-11T15:37:00.002+11:00

I have to get a few things off my chest.

I hate my story, I hate most of my characters, I hate the fact that I can't write just one point of view but have to skip in between all of them, I feel like I'm grasping for most of the story anyway - I hate the fact that I've managed to write almost ten chapters without giving my fellowship a sense of direction. I hate my fellowship, too, because they're nothing like I told them to be, and I hate that I don't think I really have a story - what the hell is my story about, anyway? I hate that I can't write stories with clear plots, clear climaxes and clear-- I feel like I CAN write, but I'm a remarkably bad storyteller.

I currently also hate the fact that I don't have a life. I hate waking up in the morning, playing some DS or reading something or just going through those three pathetic sites I always go through on the internet, I hate that I don't really seem to even enjoy surfing the internet anymore, I can't even find anything there - I hate that I have one friend I could do things with, because I'm drifting away from the other one and the third one is in university and we don't really do things together anyway. I hate that, and then I hate the fact that regardless of my complaints, I'm not planning on going to the birthday party I magically got invited - because I'm too afraid I'd feel left out.

I just want to do something, be something, feel that there's something to hang on to - and I hate when even my story does that, goes on tangents that don't MEAN anything, because it just represents the total futility of life I feel half the time.

I hate that I have to be complaining about this, time after time after time after fucking time, because there's nothing wrong with my life.

But how can there be something wrong when there is NOTHING it can be WRONG WITH?

Day 8 and 50K

2009-11-08T23:50:00.003+11:00

Ok, I am going to sleep in the next five minutes, but I needed to upload the fact that toward three fourths of chapter 9, I have hit 50,000 words. In eight days' time.

And I am behind on my schedule - still 34 and 1/4 chapters to write. Eek.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, PLEASE DO NOT LET ME BE CONTENT WITH MY WINNING OF NANO, BUT MAKE ME CONTINUE WRITING

ok, sleep now. Stupid exams. Math and English tomorrow. Meh, couldn't be bothered... NEVERTHELESS. SLEEP.

50K. WOO.

Six days, seven-and-half chapters down

2009-11-07T00:51:00.004+11:00

So, huh, it seems that I did have a rather productive session noveling today, anyway. I have currently hit the wall of 40K (the exact wordcount is 40,045 words), and totally breached it. I... I don't have much to add to that, except that, well...

I'm still a little concerned, you know. I know that I'm aiming on finishing by the end of the month and all, but if you take into consideration that I'm in the middle of writing chapter 8, and according to my plot outline, I have 44 chapters in total, it's just... I don't know, it seems a pretty high demand, regardless of how great my wordcount looks. However, I really want to finish this novel in this month, because it's just something that drives me. Sure, it doesn't always feel good (like shown in the previous post), but at least I got something to push myself toward. If it goes over the limit of November, I'm afraid of that great monster called PROCRASTINATION.

Then there's the other thing I'm concerned of, and that's parental support. Today, when I got all happy about breaching the 40K wall, my father didn't even feel happy for me, the first thing he said was, "well, remember that next week you have your exams and you don't have to write so much then." Wait, what? Exams means more free time means more time to write! It's not like I really prepare for exams really well anyway - I've done my shit over the year, and now I don't have to worry so hard, as a result. Don't they understand that while it's hard, it's something I want to do and something that's more important than some year 11 exams that don't even COUNT on your final VCE score, but just for the fact that you SIT it and PASS it so that you can GET your VCE!

Ugh, parents.

And just to lighten things up, have an excerpt of chapter 7:

“Prince Charming and Mr Right?” asked Dee, startled, “I am sure I have heard that somewhere before.”

“I wouldn’t be so surprised,” commented Nicholas dryly (and Sebastian eyed him oddly - that was his tone of voice, not Nicholas’ - was everything alright with him?), “There’s an article on ‘prince charming’ on even wikipedia - he’s a generic fairy tale character, I’ll have you know - and ‘mr right’ is just a term generally used in women’s magazines to describe every girl’s individual dream boy.”

“And you would know, since you read so many women's magazines,” quipped Sebastian, earning himself a sharp tug on the hair by Sophie, who seemed to be of the opinion that he had been enough of a bastard for a day.

Frantic claims

2009-11-06T17:47:00.004+11:00

Right now it feels like my noveling attempts may have fallen over the fact that I am too tired and do not feel like and cannot and... suchlike.

And yes, this is pretty much all I have to say currently, no more words to be forced out.

EDIT: Well, maybe that was a little melodramatic, but fuck I'm tired and my head feels like lead (being pounded with a hammer) and I feel nauseous and generally want to die. Also, I think all of this is because of the little brain chemicals running around in circles in my head. This happens every damn month. I'm so fucking over it - why do I have to go through this shit all the time, ehhhh?

EDIT 2: Now there's coffee in the same room with me and I've considerably calmed down. Damn. Still don't feel particularly positive about the whole noveling thing...

Day four and counting

2009-11-05T00:04:00.002+11:00

Well, technically day four finished four minutes ago (I have amazing timing, don't I), but what can I do, I just finished chapter 6 of my novel, and now thought that since I'm too hyped about breaking the 30K wall (and yes, I did that on day four, and I'm amazed, too) to go to sleep just yet - though it would be the good and sensible idea - I might as well write a blog entry.

Though, I don't really know what to write about. I broke the 30K wall and finished chapter six. *blinks* Oh, I said that already...

... Here, have excerpts.

“So, how will it be?” he asked. “A room for the night?”

“Bed over a tent, tough decision,” Sebastian said immediately, rolling his eyes. “Of course we’ll have the room. Now, do you sell that alcohol to maybe slightly minors?”

It turned out Nova did.

* * *

“Wait, what did you pay with?” he demanded to know, elbowing his way past Ada and Sebastian (who didn’t like this pushiness one bit, and shoved back, almost knocking Nicholas over - though the subject of the shove didn’t seem to care one bit, too intrigued by this new train of thought) to grab Sophie by her shoulders. “Coins? Paper money? Bits of gold?”

“Why would I pay him with bits of gold?” Sophie asked, rolling her eyes and huffing, as if that would be the most stupid thing she had ever heard. She opened her mouth to give a more intelligent answer, and then snapped it closed again. Open and closed, like a fish gaping on dry land, then a contemplative frown and a fist placed on a mouth in a thoughtful fashion.

“I don’t know,” she finally answered, looking helpless, “I seriously have no idea.”

Three's a crowd? No way!

2009-11-03T23:38:00.004+11:00

On the third day of our noveling marathon, I am still on the roll. Finishing at an official total of 20,216 words today, I am feeling ecstatic. I can't actually believe I've written 20K words of a novel in as little as 3 days. It doesn't sound like something that is physically possible - and additionally to this, I have procrastinated, revised a little bit of chemistry and had a 5-and-a-half hour shift of work.

Wow.

But don't let that number get you carried away. It's essential to realise that I HAVE done my extensive planning, and all I'm doing right now is going along with the plan. It's easy, especially since I've always had a fondness of explaining myself and going on tangents and elaborating and so on and so forth. It's easy for me to write extensive amounts of words.

Then again, I don't know how I'll do once school steps into the picture, again. Today seemed a good indication that I CAN balance intensive noveling and something else (which was work) fairly well, but then again, work ain't school - especially since I work at a movie theatre and it is physically impossible to take work home. And school, as I see it, is all about trying to less subtly infiltrate our lives and take over all our free time with that beastly phenomenon called HOMEWORK.

However, I have my exams coming up, so it seems logical that they wouldn't do that too much, trying to keep us revising instead of trying to keep us cramming new knowledge into our heads.

But, well, let's see how it goes!

On another note, I'm moved by how many people have been expressing interest in my rapidly expanding baby (haha, nice mental image there). Two co-workers of mine, another friend of mine... all these people. ,__,' It really makes me feel loved.

Okay, off to try to cram maybe one last thousand of words before sleeping!

Dreamy rambling

2009-11-02T21:57:00.002+11:00

As I can see the second day of noveling coming to a close (well, not for hours yet, but metaphorically), I'm being forced to remember that there are other things going on in this world than just Following the Gay Umbrella. It's an extremely uncool feeling, I can tell you - I don't like remembering that I should be doing chemistry and math revision (I actually did do some of the former today, just because doing well in chemistry has become somewhat of a matter of pride for me), and not just sitting around and writing my novel. But I would like to just be sitting around, writing my novel - the past two days have felt SO delightfully surreal, as if there was nothing in the whole world to worry about except going past that next benchmark of another thousand words.

It's magically blissful. I know I talk of nothing but my novel, and I talk about it in a very obsessive and self-centered manner - but as Chris Baty, the founder of NaNoWriMo tells us, it is alright to have some me-time when creating. NaNoWriMo is supposed to be, paraphrasing his words, a crazy month-long vacation to me-and-creation land (and in my case, I guess, also Crazyland).

And it really feels like that! I haven't really felt this relaxed for a long time - there's nothing on my mind but getting to that next thousand, and what happens next and what my characters should say next and how they feel. I guess some of this relaxation and ease by which I'm writing also comes from the extensive preparation I've made - I still can't believe, looking at the three chapters I've written (at 13,294 words), that it has been that easy; and that that's actually the beginning of a NOVEL. Can it really be that easy?

The answer is most likely no - I know that there are many issues with it, and I will have to edit and revise it later, but that's for later. Right now, it's all about the joy of creation, and it really is joyous.

Ok, I know that I sound like I'm on drugs or high on something else, but the fact is that I am - I'm completely free of care as of now, completely at peace with not having to do anything else but write my novel. Tomorrow, I will have to go to work for five and a half hours, and that will most likely bring me crashing to reality - or, of course, alternatively, it might just serve to prove that what ever other obstacles I might have, I can still write.

Well, that's the concern of tomorrow. For now, I'm loving each minute of this wonderful, amazing month.

Second-day sunshine

2009-11-02T10:43:00.004+11:00

Ugh, I have no idea as to why I'm up before 11 am, but here I am, without the power of coffee just yet. This might represent itself in the most non-wonderful of ways, but don't worry about my awkward wording and punctuation.

Since it's the only thing on my mind, I will be proud to announce that at the end of the night and at 8,178 words, chapter two has come to a finish (I know, I write very long chapters). On the other hand, I'm very not-proud of chapter two - last night when mother prohibited me of writing (damn it, I wanted to hit 10K before the end of the night, but what can you do - it was probably a smart move from her anyway, seeing that I was kind of reeling and missing punctuation and suchlike), I read the two of them over, and thought chapter 1 at least passable, and chapter 2 awful. Well, at least I wrote it, right, and can edit it after November, when I have all the time in the world... right?

So, once I get myself fully awake and everything, I should try to reach that 10K line, and most likely go past it. However, I should be at school today, technically - but I'm not, since it's Melbourne Cup Day tomorrow, and there were people who wondered if or not should they go to school, and most decided not to. Well, since we were going to do revision for the exams, anyway (the ones I'm so not concerned about), I figured that I could just not do revision at home instead of at school.

Anyway, here are a few more excerpts from chapter number two:

“Narrator, you say?” he asked, not quite as politely as Ada, but with enough courtesy not to sound rude - well, rude in a way that teenaged children would usually sound when unexpectedly arriving on an unknown island through a door that was supposed to lead into a mall, without recognising the surroundings and never having heard of an island with nothing but a giant door on it. Besides, and as he had said out loud, Narrator?

* * *

The wind blowing past and washing over the small ship was warm and humid from the presence of water, Dee noted absently, as she observed the patterns the sun shining high left on the water. Equally absently she remembered that she had never really gotten to ask if the body of water they were crossing was a lake or a sea. It would have made more sense if it were an immense lake rather than a very small sea, however, since she recalled that when standing on the island with the door, she had been able to see the shore everywhere across the body of water. Well, it wasn’t worth trying to draw an answer from Rina, anyway - if they were really interested, they could always taste the water once they got to the shore. Dee didn’t exactly trust herself to bend over the rail and try to taste it now - firstly, she wasn’t that impatient, just a little hasty sometimes, and secondly, she would most likely just tumble over the rail and she didn’t even have dry clothing packed.

The five of them hardly even noticed that they had hit the shore, until Rhony and his heavy boots thumped down the stairs from where he had been steering the ship on its journey. He paused for a moment at the foot of the stairs, surprised, taking in the pile of two males and Sophie on the deck, and then glancing at his sister and Dee and Ada leaning onto the rail.

“You guys sure are quiet,” he commented, walking over to Sophie, Nicholas and Sebastian, prodding the latter with his boot to see if he were awake. Judging from the icy eyes flashing at him and Sophie mumbling in annoyance about Rhony obscuring her sun, the two of them were, indeed, conscious - but the third one, the boy with black hair, he was definitely sleeping. Rhony was delighted - he could deal with sleeping people.

First steps of a marathon

2009-11-01T13:48:00.003+11:00

So, I started actually writing Following the Gay Umbrella last night - and it feels incredible! At 1,973 words, at the end of the night (somewhere around 1 am), I already knew that I was somewhat unhappy with the beginning of my story. It's not great, but it's not too bad, either. But that's the point, I thought to myself - the point is to not worry, but write. I will have lots of time after November to polish this to a point where I am happy - now the most important part is to keep on going.

And this morning, I did. I hit 3,000 pretty easily, and am getting over my fears from yesterday. Sure, sometimes it feels like I'm waffling and I have to pause to think of how to include all the information I want to (and sometimes I'm reminding myself that this will be a loooong novel, and I don't have to give all information in the beginning), but it's rolling pretty nicely. Currently I'm up to 3,194 words, and my kiddies are walking to wag school. That's the other thing I noticed, however, that having characters walk and talk at the same time can be a little difficult to write. This can prove a problem, seeing as my novel is somewhat fantasy-adventure, meaning that they walk and talk A LOT. And with A LOT, I REALLY mean hell-of-a-lot.

Oh, well, I will conquer!

Also, I'll be posting excerpts of the novel here, just to make any potential readers happy. *grin* Here are the ones I posted on my NaNoWriMo forum profile:

If Ada Isabella Fields had a diary, it would have begun with the following words:

“Dear diary,
I’m not a normal person. I’ve never been. You see, it’s my umbrella;
My umbrella’s gay.”

* * *

“Sometimes I really wish I had a dick, so I could more clearly express the admiration I have for certain people,” said a high, defined sort of female voice with a wistful quality to it. Ada startled, almost tripping over her own shoes. Was that… What?

“With ‘dick’, dear ladies and gentlemen,” began to clarify another voice, this one definitely male, speaking in a sarcastic, jester-like tone, “she refers to what even I have between my legs, and the bodily function of—”

“I mean,” continued the first voice, effectively cutting off the rest of the explanation (that certainly left nothing for imagination, thought Ada, pressing her back snugly against the wall and trying to seem as small as possible), “I’ve always wanted to pull off that ‘are you just happy to see me’-joke, but nobody ever seems to be that happy to see me. See, even Nic there is just sleeping away—”

“Shut up, you heretic, and allow honest people their sleep,” came the half-heartedly angry, sort of mumbled reply from a lanky frame of a male sprawled across the school corridor in the group’s feet.

“Mr Collier certainly seems not to be too happy to see you,” commented the sarcastic voice, incredibly helpfully, and Ada saw the first speaker, a slim, short-ish girl with short, red (probably dyed, since it was entirely too bright to be natural, Ada decided) hair proudly present her middle finger to the blonde-haired boy, the one with the self-righteous and egoistic tone of speech. She also saw the other girl at the scene, the girl with hair a lighter brown than Ada’s, and on a neat plait, eye this red-haired girl incredulously, and then shake her head chidingly, before going back to reading whatever book she was currently holding.

“Honestly?” asked the boy lying on the floor, in a defeated manner, slinging a long arm over his eyes, “I don’t mind seeing her, but the hearing part I could do without.”

Last-minute fear and introductions

2009-10-31T21:52:00.002+11:00

It is two hours to the launch of NaNoWriMo, and I have to admit, I'm getting at least slightly anxious and scared. Of course, I'm still excited, but...!

The thing is, I just looked over my plot outline and like plot outlines are supposed to be, it's quite vague. I'm just afraid I'll run out of ideas or something, especially since I'm coming to my hormonal time of month, meaning that I will be swinging like crazy (moodswinging, not actually swinging, even though that WOULD be nice), which means I will be depressed at points, and Following the Gay Umbrella is most definitely not a depressed sort of story, but lighthearted and snarky at times.

The other thing is that I was reading the forums and, you know, I'm not a stressful sort of person and I'm going to this month in a whole I-can-do-it, no-problems sort of attitude, i.e. very relaxed and not scared at all, but... but somehow, reading the forums and having people assure that THERE WILL BE DIFFICULT TIMES BUT IT WILL BE OK is just making me more stressed. Will it really be that difficult to write 1667 words per day?

EEEEEEEEEEEK.

I guess I never really got to introducing my little characters, did I... I should at least mention the remaining three: Sebastian, who is that "oh please" sort of bad boy, who could have been a bully and who is silently loyal, even though he doesn't display his affection and believes in only platonic love; Sophie, who is the animal-loving girl of the group (though not vegetarian), horseback rider and the one who asks all the questions, and freaks out and complains a whole lot; finally, Nicholas, who is the techie of the group, the one who works entirely too much and thus is having problems passing school - he is the one who gathers all information, tries to classify it and offer his knowledge on different aspects, and the one who is addicted to caffeine and who falls asleep on soft things.

Two more hours!

Unbelievability is not believable

2009-10-29T22:40:00.005+11:00

Today my post won't be entirely too long and I know I promised to post character profiles, but I've been to busy "trying out" Kingdom Hearts 258/2 Days to get anything done properly and so on and so forth, and right now I should probably be sleeping so that I would be happy tomorrow at work, but---

Okay, I'll slow down a little. It is thursday, therefore I am tired, therefore I should be sleeping, because tomorrow I have school (and a French SAC I didn't study for, even though I was going to) and after that, work. However, I got up from my bed to explain to any unfortunate soul who may stumble here (yadi yadi ya, you know my complaints) about the amazing feat I have done - I finished my plot outline for Following The Gay Umbrella.

Yes, the plot is now set, finito, finished, at an end. I can't BELIEVE it. I mean, I know it's not perfect and it's got a lot of strings that don't actually tie up (but I guess that's one of the things I try to emphasise - some things just don't concern you at all and you won't see the end of it, so why should you see the end of everything in fiction?), and a lot of things that happen numerously and things that shouldn't happen and suchlike, but... it's done. It's a plot, a storyline, from start to finish, and I've never done that before. Never. I mean, I've not written it or anything yet, but I've just never had this much of a complete story.

I can't wait to actually get to write it, it's such an adventure my fellowship has ahead of them.

TWO MORE DAYS.

And after that, I will invite you to the magical journey through Crazyland, as corny as it sounds!

Posting synopses

2009-10-26T20:43:00.005+11:00

Rather than telling about a character today (two down and three to go), I will rather post the synopsis I have also included in my user tab of the NaNoWriMo forums. So, as follows, the synopsis for Following the Gay Umbrella:

It's not Crazyland that made them that way - they were so to begin with.

The story for today begins with a mistake involving mysterious doors: a mistake which leads to five teenagers' arrival to a less mysterious but more absurdly unpredictable alternate dimension. Curious, they are directed to follow the trail of an even less mysterious but more infuriatingly elusive character named Narrator, who, they hope, will explain this madness. However, as they travel through cities governed by magical ducks, escape the furious Lady of the Wind and explore libraries that are really shrines of four specific deities, the fellowship comes to realise just how odd the dimension they have arrived to really is.

While Narrator continues to dodge their attempts to find him, the fellowship is further drawn into the curious realm of Crazyland. As slightly more mysterious and oddly powerful creatures such as Destiny, Chance and Time step (even though the motion may seem less like stepping and more like magically 'poof'-ing) into the picture, the fellowship of five begins to understand that there is more to the apparent madness that meets the eye. That is, to be specific, when already incomprehensible things begin go wrong and, as is bound to happen, potentially dangerous. Before they quite process what truly is going on, a group of these oddly powerful creatures and self-proclaimed deities, carrying the banner of The Great, come to the conclusion that while it is not the most desired course of action, the fellowship must be proclaimed the Tentatively Picked Ones In a Case Where Nothing Else Worked and No-One Could Think of a Valid Objection.

And thus, slightly confused but determined, Ada, Sophie, Nicholas, Sebastian and Donna (though she prefers to be called Dee) reset their bearings and set out on an epic-ish quest to, uh, defeat the Unknown Villain (or so they believe). As anybody knows, the road to an objective as simple as that could never be simple, and as that is how things unfortunately are, the poor fellowship will encounter problematic definitions of elves, be scared by various generic monsters, stumble over impossibly cute fuzzy creatures, crave caffeine, argue about the existence of Author, and follow Ada's gay umbrella.

Height of boredom without procrastination

2009-10-26T20:34:00.002+11:00

I should begin this post by stating that I really don't feel like posting at all, but am doing it because I'm so irrevocably and incurably BORED. First time for everything, eh?

Ugh, I don't even know what to say... I haven't been thinking about NaNo a lot today, or yesterday, or any day this week or last week, actually, since I stopped making an active effort on the plot outline. I mean, I almost have a complete story (which really is far from complete, because most of my minor characters don't even have a real reason to be there, not really - I'll give you a list in a moment), and I know what I'm going to be doing for those 50,000 words, I mean, with much precision, so why bother worrying about that?

I guess it's sort of sad that I'm not even making an active effort of trying to bring the whole storyline to a close. What I know is just that it's not a realistic expectation with exams and everything - but then again, maybe I'm just not pushing myself hard enough. When you think of it, at least I have the last week or two last weeks of November free from care, since my exams will be over - most people won't have even that, since they'll be working and at school and doing lotsa other things. So maybe I should be putting in that effort of trying to finish my NaNo...

Ok, the deal is this: once I finish this post, I will open Scrivener (which I absolutely adore, this product replacement is here on purpose, mac user-writers go google it RIGHT NOW because it's just magical and so pretty and *sighs wistfully*) and see what I can do about trying to bring my plot to a close, at least a wee bit less vaguely than it is finished right now.

But before that, I'll talk about another issue I've had when, uh, talking about Following the Gay Umbrella. I mean, I've always had a remarkable drive to tell my stories to everyone and have them read them and have them express their opinion on them and just have had that delight with telling stories (well duh, why else would I be a writer), but the thing is that I don't want to spoil too much. I think at least two people have expressed their interest in wanting to read the finished product, and I don't know, is it alright to completely reveal major plot points when you know the people will be reading the story and it will somehow be spoiled for them?

I mean, it's difficult to interest people in a story they know nothing about, and I would LOVE to tell everyone who might accidentally read this blog some day what I'm going on about, and... Actually, maybe I should, at some point. At least I would have something to ramble about, since there seems to be no problem I can really vocalise here.

Mmmmprh, talking about making things difficult for myself..!

Second introduction

2009-10-25T16:31:00.004+11:00

It seems that I have lost most/any of my readers. Again. Oh well, back to square one - all hail anonymity! I mean, you do have to be anonymous first in order to become recognised at some point, right, right?

I'm having a good day today, maybe because there is no false or forced social interaction. Even my family has effectively allowed me to roll around in my room, relatively alone and peaceful, and it's been heaven for my mental state. The morning did start off a little badly, 'cause I was having problems breathing, but it wasn't anything ventoline couldn't fix. Then again, the problem is that I've never been diagnosed with asthma, and on the contrary to the symptoms of asthma, I often have trouble breathing INWARD, not outward. But yet again, ventoline helps, and as long as mother approves of me using it, why should I not.

As my health is probably not the most interesting of topics, I should probably proudly announce that Robert A. Heinlein is quickly becoming one of my favourite authors. This I know because - shockingly - I have once again picked up a book other than one of those novels we study at school! Gasp! And I'm loving it, obviously, and I love how it has ideas but isn't entirely too heavy for me to read.

And what else, what else... Maybe I should mention that as of now, I've given up on my plot outline for NaNoWriMo. Oh, don't take it the wrong way, I'm not giving up ON NaNoWriMo, I'm just too much in a hurry to actually finish the whole plot outline, and thus will leave it where it stands (at 51,000 words and maybe two thirds into the novel), because I do have a vague idea of what is going to happen after that point, and if I do reach that point in the novel (as it would be, in writing, far past 50,000 words) in November, I will just improvise or let earlier revelations while writing dictate what happens next. To put it otherwise, I've stopped stressing (gotten past my "hump", to quote Heinlein and Starship Troopers) and am now just eager and happy that November is so soon.

As promised, I will introduce another character, today:

Her name is Dee, and she is the type of person who will take advantage of you when you sleep. Raised by solely her mother and only acquainted with her slightly older sister, Lucia, who lives with her father, Dee has become very sure of her own ways. She is a loving sort of person, a very touchy-feely type, and as stated, will not stop at anything to have a little grope at you. She finds most people attractive, and doesn't give a damn if you're a guy or a girl (she's not into animals just yet, however). Her only aspiration currently is to become famous; how will she do that, she doesn't know, and frankly, doesn't care - she will become famous and rich.

First introduction

2009-10-24T18:27:00.002+11:00

Ohh dear me, I never got to updating, did I? As every time this happens, people might already guess that I was, again, having some issues with, well, self-esteem and mental health and so on and so forth. I'm such a difficult person that I'm making life increasingly difficult for myself. It's reeeeeally got to stop at some stage.

Nevertheless and on a related and unrelated note, getting close to that point I was trying to do last time I posted, yesterday (on a friday, that is), we had a French excursion to the city to the National Gallery of Victoria to see some paintings of French artists and to hear about them, because we're supposed to write about them in a SAC NEXT Friday (completely unfair to have a SAC that soon, but at least it's the last one of this year), and since I don't especially like my French group (oh, I've got nothing against it in a hypothetical fashion, it's just that I don't feel very, well, how should I put it... suited to that group), I left to the excursion in a bleak fashion. But as my father told my some Finnish philosopher once said, and whose words (probably paraphrased - yes, I still like brackets) have stuck into my mind, you make your own fun. This is to say that no matter the circumstances, you can either decide that you're going to have a great time - or a very bad time, and that you will have.

So halfway through the trip travelling to the station from my school, I stared at the ground miserably, and then started thinking of what my NaNoWriMo characters would tell me if they were to hear or knew what I was feeling like. Not only did this process of imagination conjure a huge grin on my face, but it also reminded me of how awesome my characters are. I know I was supposed to introduce minor characters, but since I know the major characters more and have not told you about them, I will introduce them to you one at a time (since I'm lazy like that). Today, I will introduce you to--

Ada, I believe, is somewhat of our main protagonist. She is an eccentric of sorts, and a dreamer - she's not very interested in the human life forms around her, but more in the inanimate objects and their possible names and personalities. Currently, she is utterly fixated on an umbrella which happens to be in the colours of the rainbow. While she does insist on the fact that her umbrella is gay (as in the homosexual sense), she does not insist so because of its rainbow colouring. She is in love with cute architecture, and apart from her umbrella, doesn't really care about sexuality. She's more for love. And she's addicted to fruit juices. Small things and trinkets make her happy.

Apart from that, 7 DAYS.

"Bleh, I say: Bleh!"

2009-10-21T08:00:00.002+11:00

Bleh, why are early mornings so damn early?

Because my brain isn't functioning and I incidentally forgot I have a French SAC today, I will update this post later to introduce some of my minor characters of my NaNovel, because I've been steadily talking about other stuff than that.

OK OFF TO SCHOOL NOW

damn school.

p.s. I'm in my winter uniform again. *shakes fist*

On the weather

2009-10-19T18:37:00.003+11:00

This will be such a brief update, but I will say as much as I have gone past that bout of angst (for now) and come back to other topics, like the weather.

And what a weather it is! Earlier today, when I began walking to the station from school (ALONE AND FORSAKEN), I was ready to curse spring, since I was wearing my winter uniform, complete with black, thick tights, mainly because in the morning, it had been something around 10 degrees celsius outside, and my school is not exactly known for its heating or air conditioning. So, I was sweating and uncomfortable and annoyed about the fact that first it can be so damn cold and then it'll be really damn warm because you've dressed in your winter clothes and can't just begin stripping in the middle of the street (even though some people might think that awesome), so you will just have to suffer. Screw spring, I thought - make up your mind.

However, right now I am forced to eat my earlier word-- er, thoughts. With the window open just half a meter away from me, with the considerable warmth (I can feel fleeing gradually, however) and everything else combined, I'm so very comfortable and hope that spring would just continue. That said, if it's cold tomorrow, I am seriously going to.. going to... write an angry letter to the meteorologists' department, or something.

... Does such a place even exist?

NEVER MIND! NaNoWriMo in less than two weeks.

SONOTREADYOHMYGOD

but I can dooooo it!

More to reality than realism

2009-10-14T22:02:00.004+11:00

I think I've worked out at least a partial reason to why I don't read as much as I used to before. Similarly, there are some things that I just don't get...

For me, literature has been always essentially about escapism. It's been about wonderful worlds and wonderful characters who lead wonderful lives that balance out some of the less-than-wonderful aspects of this world and allow me to disregard them, leading a daily life in peace and if not ignorance, then in the act of avoiding looking things I know about.

And then came along our delightful school and I stepped into an age where the general mentality is that books and stories should mean things, and should have a clear message and should convey images and make readers think. We have studied novels such as Montana 1948, All Quiet on the Western Front and other such depressingly accurate descriptions of the anguish of humanity, and then forced to look into them in an even deeper level, that I am beginning to feel slightly sick. Maybe this is because of an overdose today, having that lecture on Gattaca, a film which is based on the use of eugenics, today, alongside with some deeper peeks into a few short stories that talk about the aimlessness and hopelessness in youth.

It just seems that in each literary subject, the curriculum is thrusting more and more misery at the students, this being us. How am I supposed to keep a smile on my face and a positive outlook on life when I'm told that some kids have it really hard - that most kids have it really hard in their heads - and that the future may turn out grim if we don't do something about it (and that something we've got to do about it is never told), and that we're supposed to find some universal answer to all of this through wracking our immature brains for great answers.

I don't know if other people are having such a problem with the context essays, but for me, questions such as "multiple realities can exist in one society" and "justice is incidental to law and order" make me want to cry. Of course there are other realities, but there's no need to go into deeper analysis about it - let there be other realities, and leave the other realities in peace. The question on justice is an even more abstract one, something that caused me even more heartache earlier in the year - I do not even know what is right, and here I am, having to write a discussion about how the truth and some order I do not quite grasp (oh, it seems that a prevalent theme is the whole the-government-is-watching-what-will-you-do; maybe the curriculum is obsessed with freedom).

All I'm asking is what's the point. What does the curriculum want me to do? Do the people who write up the curriculum not understand how mentally challenging and impossible tasks they set for us? Is it just me that's having such a huge problem with it, and what's wrong with me for having this problem with it?

Also, why is it that the world seems to be such a crooked place that high schoolers under the physically mature age (and in an mentally very unstable and immature age - maybe the figure of rapidly increasing pressure in education and the rapidly increasing rates of depression in youth have some correlation) have to be taught that there are things fucked up and there are things that are more fucked up than others and all that is left is to choose the things that are the least fucked up.

I don't want to live in a world where I need to be enlightened of this. I don't want to have to listen to this at school, since I've always known - I've cried to my mother, how can they go to wars, how can they just kill each other like that? So maybe I'm a softie, and maybe I laugh and cry because of the most trivial of things, but how honestly could it ever be possible for one human being to kill another? I may be naïve, and I may be well and truly innocent, but I seriously do not understand. I don't understand the hatred and malevolence that goes on here -I mean, I do confess to hating some people because of their opinions, well, "hating", because my temper flares abruptly and then settles back down, and my rational mind reminds me that not everybody sees things the way I do. But I would not want to hurt them for that. It aggravates me, people with opinions that are narrow-minded but very loud and articulated (and sometimes opinions like that happen by accident, for the lack of a better way to describe it, and I understand that), but I wouldn't want to shut them up just for speaking their mind. In most cases, it's not their fault they don't know any better.

And I don't know if or not I know better than them, since I don't know what they know and I'm not entirely sure of what I know, either.

What I know is that English and Literature are making me steadily depressed. I hardly read anymore, because I am scared I will run into one of these great discussions of life - I am afraid I will be run into this mode of thought I am caught in, right now. There's nothing good in the depths of realism in the dark way everybody really wants to portray it. I say that the whole definition of adding realism into your work is bullshit. Everything that is "real" is defined by how you see it - and if you want to paint it in an overly complicated and a black hue, of course it will turn overly complicated and hopeless and pointless and otherwise difficult.

There's more to reality than realism, goddamnit! It's just that everybody is so much in love with their own voice nowadays, and it's popular to hate something and love something else and to spark hatred over the things you love, because nationalism is losing its grip. I'm a part of most of these movements, of course, how can I not be - I wish I would not be, and I wish it wouldn't have to be this way. I wish people could realise that there's more to it than they can see and I wish they could glimpse the same potential to happiness as I can. It just doesn't help, all this talk about depressing imagery and... and...

My God, please give me strength.

p.s. to some of my readers who cannot read emotions from between the lines, don't tell me I'm a softie or that I'm taking something too seriously, because I really don't need that right now.

Are norms normality?

2009-10-10T13:43:00.002+11:00

You guys know what really annoys me? Society.

Well, not exactly the whole of it, because I can't blame my problems on the guy three doors down, but nevertheless! There are just some values here that I don't understand. Like, I think I was reading the thread on autism on the NaNoWriMo forums (to which I am addicted and so much in love with), and most of them said that a psychologist had told the person/their friend or someone with autism that feeling comfortable while naked should not be natural and is a sign of some mental weirdness.

Excuse me again, but what? How is not being naked around other people not natural? Especially if you think of it in the biological sense of being? It's what we were born with, and if the climate does not actually require clothing, we should technically be comfortable with it. Why are we not?

Because being naked is not a norm. Everybody in this day and age has grown up in an environment (excluding, of course, the minorities in which nudity is the way to go) where we have been taught that the moment you leave your house, you're supposed to be clothed. Right.

I can understand that to a certain sense, but I sometimes think that the values of today are going back to the, era (I can't remember the technical term for it) in which you just had to be covered from head to toe, and showing little skin would be extremely shameful. However, I remember times in primary school in which the girls would all have showers together in the seven or so showers in the change rooms, I remember undressing and dressing in the presence of 27 girls (in skating) and going to saunas in which there were entirely unknown people to me naked. I don't think that would be possible in the environment in which I am now.

What is the psychological reason for being uncomfortable when naked?

I don't geddit.

Oh, and I thought of this post only because I was going to run through the house to get something and then thought that maybe I should get dressed, since my parents always tell me off if I run around without clothes on.

.. Then I wrote this post without actually dressing. Hmmmm.

I'm looking, too

2009-10-07T15:33:00.002+11:00

I had Literature about an hour or an hour and a half ago. Currently, we're watching (in order to study) a movie named Looking for Alibrandi, apparently based on the novel of Melina Marchetta, an Australian author.

I won't even begin summarising the plot and feeling of the movie, since I'd have to tell the whole story, and right now I just can't be bothered. Suffice to say that it's a vivid story about a lot of things, and that it gets really sad at one point. Well, I guess it just was a disaster pending, honestly --

and it's normal for me to cry when I see a movie. Any movie, basically: happy or sad, I will cry during it, because something happened that called for it. But, I don't know, I've seen this movie before - once - and don't remember it being a really good or memorable movie. That, though, might be because we watched it at school in a time before I became at least somewhat comfortable with watching movies.

I don't know if it hit a nerve or something, but, like always, I started crying during the sad part of the movie - and then I just didn't stop. The period even ended and I fled to the library to do some math, hoping to be left alone - 'cause alone it's easier to control - but someone walked up to me and I pretty much broke down. What is with me and public crying?

And why the hell am I still feeling like someone hit me with a baseball bat or something?

Accomplishing thoughts

2009-10-05T21:10:00.002+11:00

This is a random spam/spastic productivity post, but my plot is starting to make even more sense currently. I thought I was done for earlier today, when I started yearning after worktitle Horizon, (which has currently transformed into 'Till Horizon Do Us Part) instead of my NaNovel, but! Alas! My creativity has come back in the form of Clever Elephant, Fworr and the Gay Umbrella is taking form - and history, and the huge conspiracy theory is forming, and...

Gotta love being a writer.

Sensibility is not insensible

2009-10-05T15:42:00.005+11:00

Before I totally forget about it, I had to sign on and rant.

This is the paragraph in which I talk about my day at school and say that well, the morning was a bitch but otherwise it was just like I left it and it wasn't as bad as I would've feared and five weeks to exams and so on and so forth.

And now to the important things! I was going to be productive at lunch today, because no-one has an hour-long lunch and does nothing in it (well, I've done that too, but recently I've been hiding in the library and doing various productive stuff with that hour of my life). In fact, I was going to work on a context piece that is due somewhere around this week, and thus had conveniently e-mailed it to myself. When, however, I tried to access said e-mail from school, the website had been blocked as malicious.

Excuse me, WHAT?!

I can understand the premises on which my school - or any school - may decide to ban websites. I also understand that there's a bunch of students out there that are ruining it for the rest of us (and with the rest of us I mean the minority that actually goes by the rules, like myself. I'm more likely than not a part of that minority, most of the time). But some of these restrictions are just ridiculous - banning google images? How about kids who don't have time to do schoolwork at home/don't have proper access to a computer? How about lessons when we are given time to finish one or another poster and cannot, because the website is banned? Not that I actually support posters, because making them pretty and visual and whatnot is so primary school and doesn't teach us anything. At all. I'd just rather sit through lectures and take notes and LEARN things rather than painstakingly recreate it in a visual manner...

And now they've banned hotmail. I have always had the general feeling that if you allow idiots to begin censoring sensible things, they will sooner or later be censoring even the things you need as "malicious," or something.

No, I didn't really have anything more to add. My brain is short-circuiting at the moment. Carry on!

Down is down

2009-10-04T20:51:00.003+11:00

Oh dear me. I was just trying to get down some of my minor character profiles from the scattering of small notebooks I have lying around everywhere, just so that I can have them in one place, conveniently, and I don't have to look for them and then forget that they're there.

It started out pretty well, but then I realised that my minor characters are plot devices and then I started attempting to tie them better to the plot I have and I couldn't, because I feel like my creativity has leaked out from my pores or something, and my mind is blank and I'm feeling generally tired and shit.

God, I hate hormones.

I know that I probably shouldn't be feeling to anxious about this, because honestly, merely the fact that I do have characters that I can insert to the plot at an early stage like this is a good thing. They might not even seem to have real ties to the plot, but I can work that out later in the editing stages, right? I'll just have to shut up my inner editor, right?

It's just kinda hard, when I'm trying to keep the whole thing together in my head and then I see the overall picture and think that most of my plot is full of holes and the rest of it is bullshit, it's a little difficult to keep motivated. Times like these, I really know why I quit stories at certain points.

Maybe I'm trying to chew more than I can swallow? Or am I?

Maybe I'll just have a break, breathe a little, and then come back to it when it feels good. I mean, I've got more than enough to make 50,000 in November, and that's the main thing, right? But I really want to finish the novel...

HERE I GO AGAIN, panicking about things I should just take easily! There's got to be a disease like this, or something.

Okay, off to go play some Mariokart or poke at mother or eat some chocolate. Checking back later...

Academic Girl Strikes Again!

2009-10-04T16:33:00.004+11:00

So, today is Sunday. And it's not just any Sunday of any month, but The Dreadful Sunday After a Two-Week Holiday; The Terrifying Sunday After Which Occurs Monday, In Which I Will Have to Go Back to School.

Like previously mentioned, I've been having some problems recently, and most of them originate from school. However, it's not exactly a problem with my performance or anything, more like the problem with my attitude - I stress and panic while I don't necessarily have anything to stress or panic about.

It's been a happy two weeks, all about writing and all my thoughts focused on NaNoWriMo. Now I have to become aware, again, what are most of my problems at school about - and I think the central two subjects are French and Math, currently. Math because I don't know how to do it, because I have a word-oriented brain, and French just because.

BUT. I'll also have to remind myself that high school doesn't kill you, and it mostly doesn't even make you stronger. I've got a lot of friends who are laughing about the so-called importance of high school, and I do concur. There's just something wrong with my attitude - regardless of how unimportant it is, it has to be perfect.

So, I'm trying to take new bearings. These new bearings began today, when I also began to do some of my homework - getting back to the mindset of school. Then, just an hour or two ago, I paused, and told myself that I will go shopping now. And shopping I went, to the mall just near my place, and I actually bought a bunch of crap. It may seem kinda of materialistic now, but I think it was something to take my mind of school. I bought hairspray, chocolate, a ruler (because I broke mine before), a set of permanent markers and suchlike. I also bought a binder for Following the Gay Umbrella - I like having things physically, printed off and somewhere, organised.

I think I also needed that trip. It's a beautiful day outside now, and I was wearing long pants, a long-sleeved t-shirt and a t-shirt on top of that (a style of clothing I really happen to like), and when I was walking home in my dark-ish clothing in the sunshine, I was actually getting kind of hot. I've got to love spring, and hope that summer comes soon enough, so that I will only have to worry about getting too hot.

So, the walk was pleasant, and the shopping trip was pleasant, and now I have a pile of crap I don't exactly need but that made me content. It's funny how the human mind works, isn't it? However, I still have some homework that I need to do before I can take my laptop out and continue my plot outline (by the way, I've been insanely productive on that part, too - last night I hit 40,000 words) in the sunshine.

Hurry up, Academic Girl (that will totally be my superhero name once I gain my awesome superhero powers in the near future by, uh, writing over 50,000 words in a month), the sun's gonna go down in a couple of hours or so!

Bannerlicious

2009-10-03T13:34:00.003+10:00

Oooooohh!

A very friendly NaNoWriMo participant was advertising that they could make banners of people's novel titles (a common practice on the NaNo forums), and of course I had to commission for one. Here it is, the banner for my novel for this year:

Credits of the title and other text go to me, and the rest of it to wonderful Maemi for making this. Thanksee so muchly!

Un-Cheeterz Anonymous

2009-10-03T11:54:00.002+10:00

I've come to, less than pleasantly, realise, that because of my excessive wordcount in my plot outline for Following the Gay Umbrella, some people are, eh, "worried" that I'm cheating. With cheating, in the context of the NaNoWriMo rules, that would mean that I was already writing the novel itself, which, as the most important rule, is not allowed before the first of November.

While I know that detailed plot outlines may look like they might be breaking the rules, I, myself, know that I'm not. I'm not very good at explaining how I feel about certain things, but I'll try.

See, what I'm doing is that I'm writing a detailed description of each scene, including the gist of what each character will be saying (except for the fact that they never actually say it, and I write it in a way that says "commenting upon blah blah in accordance to their feelings which stem on blah blah"), where they will be standing and the general twist and turn of the scene. However, I am not writing said scene. I am describing the scene in order to have the scene clearly on paper, so that during November, I will not have to pause to think about it and arrange something in my head, quickly, but can just keep on writing and concentrate on style and how the text sounds, not what it actually is.

Oh, and I still don't know what I'm going to do with most of the scenes. I only know how the scene will begin, middle and end, but the thing is that I don't really know all my characters yet, since I haven't exactly been writing them yet, and even with a detailed plot outline, you can't see everything happening, especially since I'm a very character-centered writer. My characters very often dictate the direction I'm going to take, and this will change during the writing.

I'm not cheating. I'm not writing the novel itself, but I am creating a tool which, I hope, will make it easier for me to finally come to the end of a novel.

... that is, if I manage to finish said tool before November.

28 days. Ohmigawd.

Productivity IS productive sometimes

2009-10-02T00:29:00.001+10:00

Right now I'm supposed to be trying to set my sleeping rhythm right, but I can't help announcing that today I wrote four thousand words of plot outline and realised that with the detailed plot outline I am doing, four thousand is really nothing. But if I write, like, four thousand every single day of October (which I doubt will happen as schools will begin again), I will have a plot at the end of it, unless it becomes entirely too epic and too incomprehensible and just doesn't never end.

Shout-out for productivity, yay!

... And I'm still ignoring the fact that I have a pile of homework due for monday. Once sunday rolls around, I will be SO deep in desperation, oh dear.

Of spinning stories

2009-10-01T14:34:00.003+10:00

I know I updated just three seconds ago (or something), but I kinda want to keep my posts separate, because I'm talking about separate things. Also, I can afford to update all the time without having someone whine about it, because -- well, I suppose everybody knows my whinings about no readers by now, so no news here, mwah.

*gets shot*

ANYWAY. So, NaNoWriMo is in a total of, uh... 31 days (yes, I had to check the calendar, shut up)! I'm getting really, really, really excited, and simultaneously really, really, really anxious and nervous, too. I'm not nervous about the writing thing in general -- well, that was a lie, yes I am, but more about that later -- but more about the whole combining of exams and writing thing. I've been having serious problems with maths just lately, and I need to concentrate properly on at least a few of my subjects (ok, so maths and chemistry, but so what) to get it right. I'm trying to tell myself that it doesn't really matter how I do in year eleven exams, but the problem is that I don't manage to convince myself of it. And I'd need to pass, anyway.

Now someone (with half a brain, unlike me) would be thinking that why on Earth would I have even planned to do NaNo, if I already knew, from the very beginning, that it would at least half way overlap with exams? That is a very good question, and I have a very bad answer for it. I wasn't thinking it would actually require that much work. Ok, 50 000 words does seem like a lot, but I write a lot anyway and I don't have any other hobby than writing and rolling around at home (I have a job, though, but that's only a shift a week, so I can deal with that), so I thought that well, I'll have enough spare time. I don't think I realised that if I begin planning early enough (in this case it was a few months earlier, I think I enlisted into this year's NaNo already in April or May and YES I HAVE A THING WITH BRACKETS), the story would actually start feeling like a story.

Like a real story.

Like something with a real world and real characters and a real plot.

I've never really felt this way, well, I have (and I will do this with the other idea for a novel I had and hope that it becomes as satisfying a project as this one), but this one is really my first I believe I may finish.

Emphasis on the "may."

Oh, I know I should believe in myself and all, but I just can't emphasise enough about the massive proportions this story is taking. I don't worry about school and generally breeze through it with good grades, but I'm HONESTLY beginning to worry, and that should be indication of how deeply involved I'm with this story. I'm thinking about it all the time, I'm painfully aware of the fact that there are so many things to bring up and tie together before this thing is over.

I mean, just last night I had the joyous feeling, something along the lines of "it's just gonna be breezing downhill from here on, I have a clear idea of what's going to happen, yippee!" and then I realised, in a sudden, dreadful moment of clarity, that I haven't even introduced my secondary antagonists yet in my plot outline.

CRAAAAAAAAP. (excuse me, anyone who is offended by my crude language)

Let's just say that I've been feeling like I'm in the middle point of my story for the past, uh, five thousand words of my plot outline? Or more? For the past four/five scenes?

But! I'm not discouraged! I have a good feeling about this, and DAMN WELL will I at least finish this one, if I have to ignore any coming plot holes, just so that I can say that I have finished a NaNovel. I CAN DO THIS.

... I hop-- NO, BAD ANNA. BAD, BAD ANNA.

Okay, going to plot outline now. Good luck to any fellow NaNoers!

I accidentally a blog

2009-10-01T14:06:00.012+10:00

Last night, when I was going to sleep (but couldn't, I ended up staying up until 5.00 am, and yes, I do manage to screw up my sleeping pattern in as much as two weeks of a holiday, because I'm magical like that, thank you very much) I realised that I don't actually know how to write a blog. What I mean is that I come up with something I really want to share with the internets (and solely the internets, I will never get over my complaint about the fact that I never have any comments on here and I feel ridiculous typing solely to myself and still do it), and then I type it down. And then I click send. And then I surf to someone else's blog, stare at it for a long, long time and think "wow, this person really knows how to do it" or "I wish I had something as interesting to say."

Maybe it's just that I know what I'm thinking, so of course I'm not interesting to myself. But it also seems that I'm really lazy and I don't have the patience or resources to, for example, recommend something or rate something or tell about something I did or read or saw or something (I should stop saying "something", I'm not seeming very serious, now am I), because, generally, I don't. I think I just recently complained about the fact that I spend money on books I don't even read any time soon -- which happened again yesterday, I bought two books by Robert A. Heinlein who wrote Stranger in a Strange Land, a novel I absolutely adored and then had to flee Borders running, so that I wouldn't spend my money on something else I wouldn't read soon -- and it's pretty much the same thing with everything else, too.

Right now I could justify my lack of activity (and thus lack of things to talk about other than my great and royal self, sorry to any poor potential reader who has wandered so fully away from their intended path) either with my screwed up sleeping patterns, or by the fact that I'm a great procrastinator, or by the fact that it's the FIRST of FLIPPING OCTOBER and NANOWRIMO IS, like, IN A MONTH.

As one of my friends would say,

HOLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Publishing is not writing is not publishing

2009-09-27T12:45:00.002+10:00

Just lately, I've been looking into the publishing industry. I've been doing this because I, probably alike a bunch of young and old, idealistic writers around the internets do, harbour a dream of some time getting published. At the same time, a small voice in my head is going "yeah, right", and I have to bang my head against the wall to silence it. There's nothing wrong with having dreams...!

But that voice only seems to become stronger the more I look into said industry. There are things like copyrights and stuff like that I have no idea about - and there are problems like parallel publication that are being reconsidered and my head is wheeling and don't know how to approach the whole issue! Okay, on some level I knew it would be difficult to get published, because otherwise everybody would be and getting published wouldn't be such a big thing, but I don't think I actually considered it to be as complicated and difficult as any other industry.

It's a business, I remember with a sinking feeling, and publishing, too, is all about profit. Or about not losing too much money, as I remember from that seminar I went to. And I also remember that it's probably about knowing people, and...

Oh God, but I really want to get published at some point. Not that I even consider my writing good enough, but even if it was and I would eventually finish one of my novels (the chronic quit-in-the-middle-of-the-story disease, remember?), or actually, finish a couple of my novels, I wouldn't know how to go about it. I guess there are many places to support young writers and old writers and new writers, and I should start doing some research to look into those.

But I'm so tired! I'm always so tired! I can't be bothered looking into it, even though I should be motivated, since it is my dream, damn it, but I'm not. It's very annoying, and I don't know why it is that way and why am I so tired even though I've been on a holiday for a week already and have slept better than I have for, like, half a year or something. I'm still too tired to do anything.

Ok, let's just calm down now. My main concern right now should not be to think about how to get published and panic about that, but rather to get something finished and down. November is not so far away anymore! Eeeeek!

Friends with NaNovel

2009-09-26T13:43:00.003+10:00

It's an odd feeling to realise that you're entirely dependent on someone else in order to develop one's storyline. Or story in general.

Recently, I've begun to work on my NaNovel again, but not directly by writing my plot outline. I seem to have moved to an even more sophisticated way of developing a story and a plot and a world and characters and everything, and write down important facts to remember in a separate file before actually inserting them into the plot. Needless to say, the whole thing is becoming increasingly massive and difficult to keep in mind - but at the same time, there's an immense satisfaction there, a feeling of this gradually turning from something haphazardly thrown together into an actual, well-rounded story.

For this well-rounded part, I have realised that I need help. I have this friend I've prodded about this story, and just recently, with me and my motivational, existential problems, I have actually begun to depend on my friend to help me develop this story. I don't know his actual contribution to what I write - he comes up with some good ideas, but they are usually on subjects I've already determined and that just need some work. Oh, I don't mean to sound like I'm undermining his contribution or anything, or seem arrogant, I'm just trying to think of how this process really works! It might also be that it's easier to have someone to talk to about your ideas and get some instant feedback. It helps motivate!

Do I sound like I'm making any sense whatsoever? I think, for the last couple of updates or so, I've written in a way which makes my brain seem an equivalent to porridge or jelly or both. I don't know what's up with that. I can't think straight.

Only curvy.

Um.. Yeah.

Rea-ding..?

2009-09-23T23:27:00.002+10:00

When I was little, I used to read a lot.

Then again, when you think about the relativity of things, I used to have a lot more free time back then. And the stuff I read probably consisted of things like Replica and/or Animorphis, each book being some 200 pages long (with often ridiculously large text), and the style being quite easily read. Then again, my level of reading may have been suited to these books - so that reading them would be like the current me reading the 1,500 page monsters I enjoy nowadays. I don't know, and I don't care to calculate. I'm not a very mathematical person.

The point I'm approaching here is that I find that I don't read much anymore. One of the possible reasons to this may be that I don't have much time - which would be lying. Even though I do have more homework than I am used to, and even though I do get tired quickly, I still have more time to be bored than I would like. And it's not like I don't have anything to read, either - somehow, every time I go out to the city or, to be honest, anywhere with a decent bookstore, I will find and pick up and buy something, and then cram it into one of my two bookshelves. I don't have the actual number, but I believe there are many literary treasures lying around in my bookshelf - untouched.

And... Um.. I completely lost my train of thought. Should read more. Books. Yeah. Um.

.. Sleep.

One little elephant~

2009-09-20T02:19:00.005+10:00

I really, really, really wanted to share this one with anyone/everyone who might be/has been/will be going past my blog at some time or another. It, in all honesty, kept me very happy for the whole day. ... And it will probably keep me happy for another week.

Honestly, anyone who doesn't love this little fella is ODD. YES, including YOU.

Oh! And, to disclaim: it's not mine, I found it on the internets and will have the creator's babies.

To be or not to be - socially acceptable

2009-09-20T01:47:00.004+10:00

Oh dear, it seems that I have found myself at least two more things to write since that list I posted some time ago. And a lot of other things, as a matter of fact. Ladies and gentlemen, whatever they say, a short attention span and writerdom do not go well together. Savvy? What? It WAS talk like a pirate -day t--yesterday (by two hours)!

I have been on my holiday for a grand total of a day now (two weeks to come, woo), and already am feeling the depressing qualities of holidays setting in. A friend of mine poked me in msn and asked what I have been doing/am planning to do for this great duration of two weeks. I frowned, then replied, rather curtly: sims. He proceeded to make me sad by telling me that I am a sad, desperate specimen of human being.

Which, I suppose, is actually rather true. Here I am, sitting my days away by procrastinating imagining things and writing them down, and then not even finishing imagining things but abandoning them because of my imaginative skills failing at a certain point of imagination, therefore lacking in the power of imagination and the will TO SURVIVE. Cookies for anyone who actually understood any of that. But in all seriousness, I suppose he is right. I've never really had a real social life, in which one runs around town for 12 hours a day to fall into bed for the next 12 to run around for the following. I'm just not interested by sacrificing most of my day to entertain myself.

Oh the irony.

No, no, I'd rather sit around here, in my room, with my door closed and with headphones covering my ears, feet on my table and playing sims, watching pictures of bouncing elephants and random videos made by other sad specimens of human being, who, incidentally, usually happen to hate everyone and everything (and I, equally usually, happen to find it amusing). I'd also rather get annoyed and frustrated at myself for accomplishing nothing than actually get out and accomplish anything.

Then again, I guess I might just be too harsh on myself. Even if the society (I always think it's funny how I use that like a swearword - I should really start doing that, since it would confuse people big time come on, it'd be at least a little funny, someone walks up to you and goes "OH SSSSOCIETY") would like me to run around and befriend everyone I meet, or at least a select few, and build some kind of a system of acquaintances or, I don't know, what do they expect me to do? I know that they don't expect me to sit around in my room 24/7 and play Sims 3, because that's not cool and that's kinda sad. And cool people have friends, right?

I do have friends! I really do! Despite the fact that I like to take things off my mind by ranting about them in a blog, I also have more or less real people I can do the same to! Not rant about them in a blog, no, but rant about things to them. And lately, actually, I've had less need to update a blog for those precise reasons - friends who listen to me, rather than me having to let out steam by ranting in a bl--

I don't even know what I'm trying to prove anymore, lawl. I guess I'm being minorly stupid here, attempting to remind myself that being a loner is socially acceptable (sometimes) and that if it makes me happy, it makes me happy, and therefore it must be correct. Let's just not go down the path where causing misery to other people makes some people happy and in my philosophy, that should be correct also. You can't apply someone's mode of thought to another's actions, since someone's actions are born of their own mode of thought, not someone else's, therefore it cannot even be categorised similarly! Hah!

I think I need to get some sleep now. The point of this post? To be honest, I forgot it two paragraphs in.

Simulated life for voyerists EXTREME

2009-09-13T20:41:00.005+10:00

Once again, I have become enamored with the sims. More precisely (and at this very moment), the Sims 3. And yes, in case you were wondering - said game is currently running behind this very window, in windowed mode.

I love Sims 3 especially because of its new characterisation system. While the characters still lack a certain individuality about them (or maybe that's just because I always end up making similar characters), the new trait system allows for much more story than the previous one did. And since I'm obviously a writer over the designing/aesthetics part of the whole game concept, I enjoyed this improvement a fair deal.

Sure, there should be more slots for the traits, there should be far more traits with far more subtle effects, but there's a good beginning to improve upon!

Bu'yeah. Sims 3 is currently a very nice game I like. The only thing is, I can't really utilise the story system completely, since I don't like most of the npc's and I'm too much of a perfectionist to utterly build a neighbourhood filled with only my own sims. *shudders* That project would take ages!

Also, I've got some problems with some custom content I've downloaded. It's been causing my game to crash, and I'm playing very slowly now, 'cause every five minutes, I have to stop to save. I seem to have fixed the problem by deleting some of that custom content - however, still not entirely sure...

UPDATE: Just when I finished writing this blog entry and posted it, the game crashed again. Trying taking all of my mods out one at a time, seeing if it'll fix anything. God-DAMN.

There was no point to this post! I just wanted to gladly announce that for once, I'm not doing homework or writing, but actually doing something else...!

And my pollen allergy/hayfever is acting up. Going to sneeze (and continue being a mass consumer of tissues), write later ->

List the Things You Need to Do

2009-09-12T15:30:00.005+10:00

Recently, I've been having bunches of great ideas. For writing, I mean. ... Do I ever have any other kinds of ideas? Nevertheless, I've had bunches of ideas and I've been very happy with them - the problem just is, that even though I've been able to get some of them down into various locations (like 500-word files in the depths of my computer, screaming to be finished, or just notes in various notebooks I sometimes forget that exist), I don't exactly understand how many of them they are, nor do I know how to prioritise. With this, I mean that I do not know which of them to tackle first, or which of them I like best--

And so, To-Do List!

* Plot outline for NaNoWriMo (i.e. Following the Gay Umbrella). There is a deadline, and it is before November. Has been begun, 23,000 words into it.

* Plot outline for (work title) Horizon - no deadline, some 33,000 words into it in Finnish. The plan is to first finish a plot outline in English, then begin rewriting it in said language. Unsure of this, however - may continue in Finnish, may convert into English.

* Plot outline (?) for (work title) Rebels. I've got some of it written in Finnish, and this one is the one I may actually want to continue in Finnish, as some of the concepts would be very difficult to translate. Also, the idea would be easier to pull off if setting were Finland. Very ambitious, will require much work (including research)

* Short story to finish, called Explanation. A page or two into it, have some ideas down in dot points in my yellow notebook.

* Short story, currently title-less, about Midnight and Noon. Half-a-page into it, have no ideas whatsoever. More of a mushy-mushy romantic story for the fun of the author.

* Another conversation between Dusk and Dawn, maybe involving Midnight.

* Editing There is a Boy With a Dream.

* The idea about a truck driver?

* Short story titled The Wink needs to be finished at some point. Again, universe is for author's fun, therefore priority isn't very high. Also, no ideas as to how to continue, even though story has been begun.

* Short story based on Disturbed's Perfect Insanity. A line and concept on which this will be based - nothing more, currently.

* Fanfic to be finished. A couple of more chapters, I should think. This one is pretty high on the list of priorities, since the previous chapter took almost a year to be published (and I am ashamed of my skills in procrastination)! I guess I've aggravated most of my readers already, though...

* Short story with the chain-link fences and the breeding of the Aryan race. Nothing more than quite a cliché concept and idea for this - will require more work. The style will be abstract, situation not properly explained.

Sniffle-Me-Sneezes!

2009-09-12T14:01:00.002+10:00

It seems that I am becoming sick.

Again.

Oh well, it doesn't especially matter - next week is the last week of school before a two-week holiday. Regardless, it's beginning to annoy me: it's difficult to write something when all your energy reserves go to trying to keep your mind wrapped around things and your brain thinking straight. Does anyone know how it feels when supposedly your brain is replaced with an inflated balloon? Well, that's what it feels like. And then the fact that I can't breathe properly, since my nose feels like I don't really need oxygen to survive...

Why, it seems that all I do nowadays is complain! Regardless of my physically somewhat ill state, I'm actually feeling happier now than for some time. It might be because I'm still in quite a horizontal position in my bed. Work in four hours (and the new kids did come in at some point - however, it wasn't quite as amusing as I thought it would be, damn it)! Mother expressed her concern about my state of dress, but I'm going to be here for at least another hour before I get up. Meh!

I did eventually get to continue my NaNo plot outline, which was amazing. It's up to 23,000 words right now, and I'm quite happy with it - regardless of the fact that I'm still stuck in the same damn meeting, and that I'm not quite sure how I'll continue from this point on. Well, I know the basics of what I'm going to do, but I'll have to make much of it up as I go - and that always carries the hazard of me abandoning what I'm currently writing.

I have chronic give-up-in-the-middle-of-the-story -disease. I wish they'd find an appropriate vaccination.

Updating NaNoWriMo and the situation with short stories

2009-09-10T15:49:00.005+10:00

Now that I've sticked a hand up and told you the reason I've been away if there is anyone who really is reading this blog, I can also update things about my writing, since that's what this is mainly about! And because I'm obsessed! And because the true loves of my life are imaginary! Well, at least almost all of them.

So, NaNoWriMo is seven weeks and a weekend away. Am I nervous? Hell, of course I'm nervous, but I'm also very excited. Well, no, actually, right now I'm just really nervous. This is because recently I have accomplished writing some 22,000 words of plot outline (which would already probably sum to 50,000 when re-written in the novel form, so technically I'm on the safe side), but then, even more recently, I have utterly stopped working on it. I am afraid, because I am experiencing the same symptoms I do with every other big project I begin - once I get to that turning point from where I know only marginally how I'm going to continue, I suddenly lose all interest and will to work on it, leaving it to dust somewhere under the pile of documents in a foulder.

And with Following the Gay Umbrella's (as is its work title) case, also physically dusting on my floor.

Additionally, I've been producing some short stories, with which some I am more happy with than others. There Is a Boy With a Dream is one of them, and... I honestly forget any others. And I can't be bothered looking them up, anyway.

But yeah, I've got at least 6 different projects under way, each varying in length. I've just not gotten much done, with my state of mind and all. I'll try to go through next week in school, and then it's school holidays, and I can see if I can get anything done from all the sleeping I have planned.

Some reserves to draw on

2009-09-10T15:40:00.004+10:00

Oh, look, I have a blog!

See, I knew this would happen at some point or another. Like with everythingI start, it begins really enthusiastically and I'm really into it, but at one point, updates just stop coming and after some more time, I basically avoid looking at the bookmark into my current blog, since I should be updating and am not!

I should get more people to follow this blog and kick me if I'm not updating. Maybe that would yield some results...

Well, at least I can make the excuse that I've been going through kinda rough times recently. I've got a lot of things going on, mainly high school and the ridiculously high expectations I set for myself. I'm that type of person who, when they consider having only used 98% of their possible energy/talent capacity, will get very angry at themselves and stay that way for a while. Long story short, I am swiftly running out of energy reserves, in tears most of the time, tired, and have nothing that really interests me and so on and so forth.

But it's a known problem now, and my parents are being just lovely, and I think I need to cut myself some slack. Not to say that I will, of course, because I know that changing expectations of oneself may be difficult indeed, especially since I've been carrying those expectations since I was about three (and playing tennis with my father, and getting angry at myself. Yeah, I've heard this story many, many times).

Regardless of my fatigue and emotional distress, I am alive and still kicking!

It's saturday, right?

2009-06-20T11:02:00.002+10:00

Yesterday was friday, which means that today is saturday (and isitsaturday.net concurs). Which means that in half an hour, I will be going to work.

Blergh.

However, I'd gladly first talk about yesterday. Yesterday was the day when my hair got shortened once more (but I doubt anybody will notice, since it's just shorter, and unless you're used to staring at me like I am, there isn't much difference) and when I was productive enough to finish my short story with the lyrics of the song with Jekyll and Hyde. I was actually surprisingly pleased with the outcome.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, even I will accomplish something at times.

Ehh, now I'm just too tired to say anything else, and anyway, nothing really mentionworthy happened. Meh.

Where's my fiddly-thing?

2009-06-18T21:30:00.003+10:00

The first thing that's worth mentioning is that I'm not wearing my cross.

I wouldn't even notice, if it weren't for the fact that I unconcsiously fiddle with it constantly - I'm one of those people who can't sit in one spot without doing something (even if the doing something is merely listening to music or absent-mindedly fiddling with something) and I'm also one of those people who start to fiddle with things in an awkward situation. Also, an awkward situation, in my opinion, consists of a whole list of things.

Basically coming down to the fact that I fiddle with my cross constantly.

And to the fact that I've grown so used to it that it feels very odd to be without it. Since I can't fiddle with it. Because I don't have it on.

Look, I'm not a very, very, very religious person, but I like believing in a God. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy. And I can't be friends with anyone who's not o-k with that, because then they're just being silly. Hey, I don't care if you worship Satan, as long as it makes you feel warm and fuzzy. But when you start minding other people's beliefs - especially when none of them really wish any harm to anything else - I start minding you.

Was working, there was supposed to be a new trainee, but she didn't show up. Had thought that her shift was next thursday. I, of course, was disappointed. Oh well. Maybe on saturday...

AND ON TO ANOTHER DAY

2009-06-18T16:04:00.006+10:00

GOOD DAY, people, young and old and so on and so forth!
my back still hurts

It was a nice day of school today, and even though I was quite unproductive (because, honestly, who doesn't bludge when they have the chance?) I had very much fun with scribbling into my "sketchbook" and why isn't it November yet, I need to start writing my NaNo, because if not, I might go insaaaaaane...r.

But yeah. Now I've got approximately half an hour to fight this goddamn back pain away rest so that I can go and do four hours of work. I work at this cinema, and it will be kind of good, because today's thursday and nobody generally turns up on thursday. Except just when we're closing. Which will suck. However, my co-workers up there (and if any of you are reading this, like, ever, congratulations) are so awesome, that it's like a real-life comedy show.

Also, we may have new trainees in today (yes, yes, yes, we won't be the new kids anymore! *dances around gleefully*). *rubs hands together with an evil glint in eyes*

... What? I'll be nice to them! Promise!

I don't have time to write today. *sadfeis*

Oh look, a pattern

2009-06-17T17:31:00.003+10:00

Eh, it always goes like this, doesn't it. I have an incredibly fun time at school, and then when I come home, I'm initially at least pretty content for the first couple of hours, then a monotone and depression starts to sink in - and not long after that, that damn self-pity and self-loathing settles into my head and makes a comfortable nest and doesn't seem to want to leave.

Then I have dinner and I may feel happier for a while, but after dinner it takes that hour to settle back into tiredness and depression. It's such a pattern, and I know I could somehow manage to avoid that damn self-loathing part, the part that tells me that I basically suck at everything I do, I'm a kid and stupid and all that (and gosh, I even act like a goddamn 13-year-old, no insult intended, but we all know what I'm talking about).

Stupid hormones. Stupid, stupid hormones.

I just wonder, does it ever actually go away, or is the next thing we blame the overload of work studying causes on us, then the mid-life crisis and then whatnot.

Silly human nature, never being happy with what you've got. No, I mean, I'm happy with what I've got, incredibly happy and incredibly content (because the feeling of depression never comes with an articulated desire for anything), but still, something's always wrong. Even when I can't pinpoint what it is.

Selfish little brat.

Because I like

2009-06-17T15:12:00.003+10:00

A friend of mine (how do I always start telling a story like this? I guess friends of mine pretty much make my world such a great place to be in, that the things I do myself aren't of much consequence anymore) sent me the most beautiful e-mail yesterday. I got it today. It began with the words "Hello, I'm... and I like" and continued with a listing of things she likes.

So I hit the "Re:"-button, and started writing an e-mail in answer. Here's what it was:

I'm Anna, and I love

stories, in books or otherwise
stories that make me cry
stories that make me laugh
writing, writing, writing in any form
warm places
new ideas and realisations
sunshine
green grass
hugs, random and not
poking things
laughter
smiles
languages
fire. Fire, fire, fire
music that makes me cry
music that makes me smile
music that makes me feel in a way I can't describe
soft toys
pretty pictures
doodling into notebooks when you're supposed to be doing math
thunder and lightning
imaginary creatures
imaginary people
chemistry
flowers
facebook
people who don't care that what they say may make them seem slightly strange
people who love
people who don't pretend
going anywhere with people you like
chatting idly
lying on your back in the grass outside when it's warm, and just being
dancing in the rain
singing in the shower
long car rides
cute avatars
forums
blogs
wonderful pictures
witty comments
playful insults and great comebacks
random conversations with random people on bus stops or elsewhere
bus trips
staying up late
sleeping in
having slightly philosophical discussions over the internet
rants
glomps
extremely bad jokes
extremely random things
colourful clothes
bright colours
lyrics
haircuts and dyes
silence
silent understanding
exchanging knowing looks
harmless flirting
honesty
descriptions
unhealthy food
running fast
and ... pretty much everybody else.

NaNo again (no, I never shut up about it)

2009-06-17T13:49:00.002+10:00

Best part of the school day is when you get out of that building and you're thinking "yessss, I can go HOME now!" I think that's why we go to school. So that we can get out of there.

Other than that, this is forming to be more of a "note to self"-post, because I found this awesome thread on the NaNoWriMo forum (that place is full of insane kids, anyone who's at least vaguely interested in writing, honestly, haul your behinds there), and I really wanna take these things down and broadcast them to the world 'cause they're just so awesome.

Yeah.

Courtesy to Clovdyx on the NaNo forums:
(in response to something rude or strange) "Thanks, man! That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me"
(in response to somebody saying they like something/that is nice/whatever) "I'll sell it to you"
(whenever something favorable happens, or something like that) "I'd buy that for a dollar"
(whenever, really...inspired by The Ting Tings) "That's not my name"
(anything) "That's a mountain I'm confident we can climb"

Courtesy to Dark.Angel:
Why are the basketballs on fire?
Sometimes I think, 'Life just isn't worth living.' Then I think, 'I need a taco.' After I eat the taco I forget about how hard it is to continue living.

I'm so thirsting to write NaNo like right now. Got the best idea ever, even though it's kinda crazy in the head.

At least I TRIED

2009-06-16T21:17:00.002+10:00

Why is it that even when I eventually do start writing something, I don't get it done? I mean, this one's supposedly a short story, but already it has taken the proportions of four pages and quite some more to go.

Maybe my reluctance to finish it - the interest that already fled, making writing more like forcing myself to try to create a plot that doesn't create itself (and anyone who writes knows what a painful experience that is - writing is supposed to flow, at least in my opinion, not be some forced repetition of the same thoughts over and over again) - stems from the fact that I'm "re-writing" lyrics of a song, therefore making it technically fanfiction.

Especially since said lyrics are indeed included in this song.

Maybe I should try to get rid of some of these lyrics, since I'm not really rewriting it, but trying to get something done from the -- oh God, why cannot I write coherent sentences for ONCE in my damned day?

Or maybe this is why it doesn't seem to finish itself, I'm tired and can't quite think straight enough to make cunning word choices and get fresh ideas across. I think it's time for me to turn in and begin a new day of school and procrastination, tomorrow.

Damned brain that thinks night is the ideal time to get everything done, leaving me only a couple of hours every night to accomplish anything important, leaving everything else for procrastination. Silly procrastination. Well, not that silly. Silly displays affection. I hate procrastination.

Damned procrastination.

Productivity is not productive

2009-06-16T17:44:00.004+10:00

Ooh, I'm so tired. Funny thing is that I've done almost nothing today (except going to school, but that doesn't count), and it's only 17:45 now. I haven't even had dinner yet.

Or done anything productive. Nothing new there. Silly procrastination.

Honestly, there's just a lot of things I'd like to be doing now, rather than writing down a list of all the things I'd like to be doing now. I think I'm a really silly little person for keeping myself from doing these things, and I don't even have a clear idea as to why I am, indeed, doing so.

I think it's got something to do with choice. I've always been bad with making choices. Silly choices. Why can't they just do themselves.

Like a-sexuals.

Ok, now I'm shutting up about that subject and running along and pointing a big, obnoxious arrow toward the next subject, which is what I'd like to be doing unless I would be so busy procrastination (which, funnily enough, = doing nothing at all and being a whiny bitch about it). Dear ladies and gentlebodies, I would currently very much like to be playing the sims 3, which I find a fantastic game and yet don't find "enough time" or effort in me to play too often. Which sucks.

The other thing I should always be doing is writing, but I guess I'm kind of fulfilling that objective by typing all this crap down. I mean, as long as I get at least something down from this limited verbal bank of mine, it's exercising the talent, isn't it...?

No muttering about a lazy bastard, there, I can hear you.

I should also watch that movie a friend of mine lent me, and I should... What else should I do? I'm completely sure there's something else I could/should do. Oh, there's a book that I'm reading and Guitar Hero's a nice game and now I feel like I'm making stuff up.

... I'm also sure I had a point sometime, then it kinda fled without asking any questions from me. Silly point. *shakes head and toddles off without another word*

Are good days as rare as they come?

2009-06-16T15:52:00.004+10:00

So far, my day has been surprisingly awesome. I mean, regardless of the feeling that somebody's slowly clawing at my left shoulder (with long, sharp nails, mind you) in the effort to detatch it from the rest of my body.

It kinda hurts.

But anyway, so far, today was so awesome. I had really much fun at school, and I know how paradoxical that statement is, but it's so true, though. I really love insane people with whom you can just go insane and run in circles and make boring suddenly really fun. Also, these insane people can also be used as someone to complain to when a teacher does something stupid or idiotic or something you plainly disagree with.

The awesomeness of my day may also have to do with the fact that I really like chemistry and English and I had both of those subjects today - in doubles.

And also with the fact that I have a can of coke and a bowl of ice cream to devour.

And with the fact that I have many chapters of awesome fanfic to read.

And I've got no homework.

Sweet, sweet life. <3

Not-so-wise

2009-06-15T21:09:00.004+10:00

Oh gosh, if there's something I've learnt over the years is that when I start feeling overly wise, I should just back down and humble up.

There's always something I'll be going on about in an overly philosophical manner, trying to prove something I'm not entirely too sure of myself, and all the while having the superiority complex of someone who's presumably learnt, seen and thought more of these things, who's more mature --

It's good I have that certain friend who, while younger than me, always knows how to patiently make me be quiet and observant again (speaking of which, where is he when you desperately need him?).

p.s. My back is positively trying to commit suicide while it's still attached to me. It kinda hurts.

We'll be writing novels

2009-06-15T20:03:00.000+10:00

And now that I remember it, why not publish my intent of taking part in NaNoWriMo 2009, too. I mean, the more I broadcast it, the less likely it is that I'll give up after the first few days of writing...

To those who have no idea whatsoever what I'm talking about, I will give a brief summary and then direct you to the people that know how to excite you about this far better than I do. NaNoWriMo, short for National Novel Writing Month takes place in November, when all more or less insane, writer-like people get mentally together and pen a min. 50,000 word novel. Anyone who thinks like a mad dash to pen 50,000 words of plotless nonsense, join me at http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng.
(*snorts* Posting that link made me feel so professional)

I've got some ideas as to how to get this thing running, mainly character descriptions. Right now, being June, I don't feel hugely concerned even though I don't have a solid plot - no starting point and no finishing point, just the general feel of where I'm going - because it's pretty early now. And anyway, I think that it's slowly forming, since sometimes when I come up with new characters, they click pretty solidly and instantly form ties to something I've created before.

Even though I feel like this will slowly form into something (with something I mean something incoherent I will have enormous amounts of fun writing during November), I think I won't be putting any ideas down just yet, because I'm known to change my mind pretty drastically. When I set my spork down in a definite manner, I will be informing you, however.

Join us, people! I'm trying to get some people I know and some people other people know together, so we can assemble together in November to write, underage and not allowed in bars as we are.

Maybe the world doesn't love you, but...

2009-06-15T19:50:00.000+10:00

I just spoke to a friend of mine.

We're all in our teenages, so we're trying to get past this phase when the world's entirely too huge for our own good, and when all the worries of the world and everybody around us is ours collectively to carry, and when it's just entirely too much for our oh-so-wise but so child-like minds to wrap around. We all get the days when desperation wraps around us like a blanket, when everything's hopeless and pointless and no-one will ever understand and I'm so alone oh somebody help me--

If you're reading this, whoever you are, and you can feel the world closing over you, drowning, suffocating, I want to catch you and tell you that you're not alone, you never were alone and that we'll always be here for you. I don't care who you are, what you are, you're still not alone and I'm here with you, because I've been there and I'm still there and I can feel your pain, my brother/sister.

With a smile and a hug you can achieve far greater things any politicians can with great speeches about change and destiny and reform. Ever.

Why, yes, I set up another blog

2009-06-15T19:28:00.002+10:00

I've realised this box here isn't as inspiring as it's supposed to be - this might well be the seventh or so blog I've ever set up. It's meaningless to add that most of these blogs ended up being neglected after the seventh or so post, because they always went into the bizarre shade of depressive philosophy I've recently decided I don't like.

It's not like I can help myself, though, it's just how I am.

I'll just begin by presuming nobody'll be reading this, until I at least invite someone to follow anything I write on it. And again, being informed about my fleeting interest, I might just neglect to inform anyone of the fact that I've set one of these up again.

I mean, I need something to quench my own boredom, but I think most of the time my ramblings just feed most people's boredom. So.

Gosh, right now I should be writing, but somehow my head has gotten the idea that I'm not going to write anything "seriously" before I get that Goddamned laptop I've been craving for deity-knows-how-long (which, by the way, I won't be purchasing any time soon, since firstly some of my friends who live on the other side of the world will be coming over and resulting the frantic attempt to show them around, we will be doing such an amount of shopping that being broke at that point would just be physically painful), and therefore my attempts are left with procrastinating and being bored since I have nothing to procrastinate with.

It's silly how I procrastinate even the things I would like to do. *Glances toward the movie a friend lent me, and the cover of Sims 3 I bought a week ago (and my sister still owes me fifty bucks for it).*

But I so can't be bothered. Such a plague of our current society, this boredom. We're always in such a hurry to do everything, and yet we spend most of our days glued onto the screen of a computer, doing nothing.

Or then it's just me. 's not like I can talk for the whole of a society - or even my generation. Gratz for anyone who actually has a life.